Thursday, June 20, 2013

An Honest Look Inside Our Marriage



 I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine.  Song of Solomon 6:3

A dear, sweet girlfriend of mine, 10 years my junior, send me a one line email yesterday that basically changed my whole day.  I have known this woman for going on 10 years now, and she is a precious gift to me.  Keeps me on my toes – just like she did when we first met!  She was in college then, and I’ve watch her “grow up” and make all kinds of adult decisions – college boyfriend problems, first real job, buying that first house, meeting the man of her dreams, her fabulous wedding, and the birth of her first child, a son, last fall.   

This is what she asked:
How do you and Britt stay so happy and not let stress of everything affect your relationship?

And this is how I answered.  It’s not one line.  Or even close to it.  It is years of life experience.  It’s going through a divorce at 29.  It’s marrying the man God made for me after a 4 month courtship – even though when I first met him the 10 year age difference scared me to death.  It’s people with 2 full time jobs and 4 kids.  It’s not easy.  But it is a choice.  Every day.  And one my husband and I both choose.  EVERYDAY!

Ha ha ha ha ha!!!  Oh, it affects us. ALL THE TIME! I don't think we spoke for about 5 hours yesterday. This 10 hour work day thing is hard. (I am working 4 – 10 hour days this summer to have one full day off each week with my kids.)  I leave before everyone gets out of bed, and when I get home I'm exhausted. 

Communication is KEY! Part of the fall apart yesterday is we both had a plan in our heads for how last night's activities (dinner, VBS, last T-ball game and party) would go, but we were on completely different pages. Plus, he's feeling neglected because I've got sorority meetings all this weekend then I leave next week for a 5 day convention. All kid free. So, don't be fooled. It's HARD!

But, we are committed to each other and to making it work. We don't hold grudges or bring up old issues. We give each other space. We always acknowledge the other person's viewpoint, even if we think they're ridiculous. We laugh. A lot. At ourselves, at each other, at the kids. We have a pretty clear definition of responsibilities, too. And if I do one of his chores or he does one of mine, that's like a bonus!!!!  

We know neither of us is smarter, tougher, more important, or better than the other. We often say, “It's not a competition.” We are both bad about when one of us is complaining about something, the other tells how bad they've got it - how much worse it is. One Uppers!  We try really hard to nip that when it starts. It's not healthy or fair. Speaking of fair, we know life's not fair. We also know marriage is not 50/50. It's 100/100!  ALL THE TIME! As is parenting.


You have to remember that no one’s life is perfect. You can't compare your daily drudges to someone else's highlight reel. What you see out in public, or on Facebook, may not be a true representation of what's going in behind closed doors...

What else? Oh! We keep our private life private. We leave our parents/friends out of stuff that's really none of their business. We tell them bare minimums if it’s needed, and tell them to butt out. The decisions we make as a couple with God’s guidance, for OUR family are for us.  We don’t like feeling judged for what we deem appropriate for US and OUR family, so we just keep it to ourselves.  As compassionate humans, we tend to “side” with our own parents or friends.  That can leave the spouse feeling left or, or worse yet, defensive.  If you don’t include those outside people to begin with, it saves a lot of heartache and bickering when others (especially parents) get involved. 

And we never tear each other down. Especially in public. No matter how stupid I think he's being. ;) LOL! If he disciplines the kids and I think he's too hard or too soft, I save that for a later conversation. If he says something off the cuff that hurts my feelings, I (try REALLY REALLY HARD to not to) don’t lash out and give as good as I got.  I don't make fun of him in public, but we do at home or in the car - so we can laugh privately about how dumb something was!  And show our kids that we know we’re not perfect, and we do make mistakes.  But we recover from them, and move forward.


We are "allowed" to have a bad day. Or two. Without consequence or nagging from the other. But, we also point it out. Either admitting to the other person that were in a funk, or struggling, or whatever – especially when we want to be left alone, and the other person KEEPS ASKING “what’s wrong?” And, we point it out, gently and lovingly, to the other person if they have not acknowledged it. Like, "I can tell you're not in a great mood. I wish I could help. Tell me if you need me to do something. Otherwise, I'm here for you, and I'll be here when you get out of your funk."  Then let it go! We all process things differently!

SAY YOU’RE SORRY.  First.  Every time.  Even if you think he should say it first.  Don’t wait for him to do it just to prove a point.  It’s not worth it.  Truly be sorry.  Maybe not for your actions or opinions, but for the hurt you may have caused or the tone of voice you used.  Apologize, and then never bring it up again.  And don’t start the next sentence with “but!”

Your spouse is FOR you – not against you.  They love you the most.  Stood up in front of an audience and proclaimed it.  So, just because you disagree or have an argument, he is not saying he loves you any less.  Don’t be defensive.  Listen, and hear him out.  Disagreement does not equal dislike.  It just means you have differences.  Respect that.  Revel in it.  LEARN from it.
 
I told you it wasn’t short!  Then, this follow up question came:

What about when it comes to opposite sex….? Celebrities or real people... Flirting, staying attracted to each other stuff like that- how do you handle that or keep out of the gray area? or [what do you] do if someone does start to tread into the gray or black area?

That's a tough one. Maybe it gets better with age? I remember this being a MUCH BIGGER issue with J (My first husband - married at 21, broken by 28 divorced by 30; got 2 AMAZING redheads out of the deal, and a TON of life lessons) than with Britt. Britt and I both tend to have jealous tendencies. But, we joke that we're old and fat and no one would want us except each other anyway! Ok, only half joking! ;) But honestly, we are so secure in OUR relationship that it just doesn't faze us. He knows I have celebrity crushes and I know who his are too. I do think this has evolved the longer we've been together, and the older we get. (We were 31 and 41 when we got married, 38 and 48 now.)  We had some issues with it that first year - mainly because I married him right after a string of a few 1-2 month relationships (I was “sewing my oats,” I guess.  Married at 21 that first time…) and he knew too much about those as he was my “friend” during a lot of that time.

Again, I know we lovingly point out "questionable" behavior to each other. That has definitely evolved through the relationship.  I am way more apt to call him out on something now than I was 7 years ago.  Or, if it is seriously making the other person uncomfortable, we confront them. I am a flirt by nature, and I know Britt hates that. It was an issue when I worked in [the OSU] football [office] for sure!  (I worked there when we met and through the first 2 years we were married.)  He called me out for it quite often.  I think as we have matured and our relationship has grown, we've gotten past it. Plus, I'm not turning any heads, so it's completely harmless at this point! ;)

I think the respect we have for one another and the protection we have in our marriage helps too. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. We decided long ago not to put ourselves in situations that could be misconstrued by each other or anyone else for that matter. We do not do lunch / meetings / trips with only one member of the opposite sex - there has to be 2 people with us; one same sex. It's just for accountability.  We always check with the other before we make plans with other couples (or individuals) to make sure it's something they are OK with. Not for permission, but out of respect. It's that important to us. And yes, people (women, mostly) make fun of me for getting "permission" from my husband to do things. But, I respect my marriage 1,000 times more that I care about their opinions! :)

That's a good internal filter to have, too. Before I do A LOT of things I ask myself not only what would Jesus think, but what would BRITT want me to do? It helps me remember how important he is to me and how special this marriage is to both of us!

These answers came fast and furiously, tapped out in record speed (with minimal typos) on my iPhone between wrangling my four kids on an outing for lunch and pool time.  So, I didn’t put a ton of thought into them.  Just spoke form the heart and poured out the things that God brought to my mind.  After I sent this novel to my friend, I decided I should share it with my husband as well.  So, I did.  Forwarded him all the messages with this note:

Just so you know what I told her, and so you can see how important you and this marriage are to me. I LOVE YOU!!!”

When Britt got home from work, he told me he was so glad I shared all that with him.  Even suggested this blog (which I had already thought of)!  He is so good to me.  God really knew what He was doing when he made our crazy, winding all over the place paths meet.  So blessed.

After my husband and I took the kids to VBS, we were talking about this topic again, and this quote from one of our favorite movies came to mind:

“Fireproof[ing your marriage] doesn't mean the fire will never come. It means when the fire comes that you will be able to withstand it. ” 

I promptly texted it to my friend, and she replied with a resounding “I needed to hear that.”  I think we all do sometimes.  What a great reminder.  My marriage is Fireproof.  The fire comes.  And the fire is hot, and the fire can be destructive, but we withstand it, and we rebuild.  Is your marriage fireproof?


(If the above shows up as a blank black box, click on the box to see the video)

Monday, June 10, 2013

Dream Weaver Prints – GIVEAWAY TIME



I am so blessed with the support, love, and ORDERS I have gotten from my little Etsy shop since its inception at the beginning of the year!  It has stretched me, challenged me, inspired me, and frustrated me at times.  Mother’sDay was a GREAT sale season, and Father’s Day is turning out to be even better!  So, I have a little give-and-take I am asking for from my clients, fans and friends…
I will be here in just a couple of weeks:



In preparation for this trip, (I'm already packing!  YAY!) I was thinking about how I will need to put the shop “on vacation” while I am gone for several days.  I would LOVE to grow as much as possible before that time!  That’s where you come in!  At this writing of this message, Dream Weaver Prints has 127 likes on the Facebook page.  If we can get to 200 likes before 2:00pm (CST) on Friday, June 14, 2013 I will draw from random.org and chose from fans who share our shop a winner of a $10 DWP gift certificate!  $10 can get you far in Dream Weaver Prints land!  That’s an 8x10 customized from an established design and an instant download!  Or, a custom Subway Art sign with upgrades!  Or, a brand new design completely made just for you!

So, SHARE AWAY!  I have made this image and it is on the DWP Facebook page.  Share the image, and comment that you have done so.  A winner will be drawn from those who shared and commented!

 

Friday, June 7, 2013

Hello Sunshine



Moore Tornadoes.  Moore rain.  More tornadoes. More rain.  This Great State I call home has had it’s share of weather drama over the past few weeks.  But we are #oklahomastrong.  We have finally had a couple of beautiful days with bright, abundant sunshine!  We were DUE!  The Weavers even got in on the bad weather blues  last week – in the middle of dance recital!  Thursday during dress rehearsal, all the moms and dancers took cover for 30 minutes or so before resuming the run through.  The first show was scheduled for Friday night at 7.  It was postponed until 7:30 as everyone that was there – dancers, staff, spectators, and vendors – was once again shuttled to “safe” locations within the building.  Some dancers and families never showed up in the first place since there was a threat of severe weather, and some left when we were sent to take cover.  So, the show was completely cancelled and rescheduled for Saturday.  In the meantime, we had a babysitter at our house with Mr. Finn.  She called while we were sheltered at the high school to tell us the power had gone out in ½ of our house.  Come to find out, we had lost a VERY large limb on a tree in the back yard, and it had taken out the power lines that run to our house as it fell.  The power company had to shut off all our power due to the fire risk, and we ended up in a hotel for the night – checked in at 11:15 pm!  LONG night….  Then, 2 recitals the next day (the second one was missing lots of dancers, and the dancers were tired, but I am glad we got to get both shows in!).  Here are my favorite images from that very crazy, more than enough, 24 hours:

Dress Rehearsal - before taking cover

Dress Rehearsal - after taking cover and back to work

Recital - Night one "taking cover." SO BORED!

Betsey and Britt - waiting out the storm..

4 hours later - Finn in the hotel room... "I may not be able to fix storm damage, but I stayed at the Holiday Inn last night!"

Since then, we have been trying to enjoy our summer.  T-ball games!  Several have been canceled and rescheduled due to rain, but we are just a couple of weeks from the end of the season!  The rain has been a constant companion, but it comes with cooler temperatures and overcast skys, so it is a nice change for an Oklahoma summer!  The kids are adjusting to days with Nana, and I have started my summer schedule of 4 – 10 hour work days with Wednesdays off.  This past Wednesday was my first.  We did chores around the house in the morning, ate lunch, then went bowling.  We ran a couple of errands, then came home to make Jello play doughcookies.  Over all, a pretty fun day.  But, FWIW, 4 kids who are all very high energy and 3 of them are high maintenance with forceful personalities will wear ANYONE out!  KUDOS to Nana the Wonder Sitter – I don’t know how she does it!

And in Finn news…  We were trying to sleep train him, but then we had to spend a night in a hotel, and he got this silly summer cold - which put us at his specialist on Monday.  (21 pounds!  YAY!) We’ve been derailed a bit on the sleep thing…  But as soon as he is feeling better we are back at it!  he is on breathing treatments and Dimetapp 3x a day right now.  Poor Peanut! Here is a slide show chronicling the first few nights and how it all went:

By Slide.ly - SlideShow Maker



Finn’s Child Development specialist came to the house for an evaluation yesterday.  She was SO HAPPY with his progress.  He has come a long way in a few short weeks, and he warmed up to her very quickly (which is rare).  He even shared toys, pillows, and used tissues with her! LOL!  At the beginning of the appointment, I told her Finn had 5 words: No, Yes, up, down & uh-oh - in that order, all in the last 7-10 days. These 5 words he uses often and appropriately. While she was there, Finn added cup and ball. Can you say, language explosion?!? She said he is now caught up to his actual age as far as language goes! Just a few short months ago he was MONTHS behind!  And of course, since he is running and climbing like crazy, he has caught up physically, too!  Nana the wonder sitter said he used hello and bye-bye, too!  YAY for talking Finn!

Here's hoping the good news and good weather continue!  We want to go SWIMMING, but it's been too cool!  June doesn't quite feel like June... YET!  Stay tuned!