Friday, July 15, 2011

Broken Heart

My brother, Brian died a little over 3 months ago.  3 months and about a week, I guess.  I am 15 weeks pregnant today.  You do the math.  Some days, I don’t think I am strong enough to do this.  I wonder why we are even bringing a baby into this world.  Then I remember, life is for the living.  And God’s plan is never wrong.  And I don’t have to be strong enough.  Christ gives me strength.  And my family.  And my friends.  This will make me stronger, and I am not alone.

We got the autopsy and toxicology report back in the mail yesterday.  I just spent a good hour pouring over it.  I am grateful to and for helping to define and clarify the words and phrases I didn’t know or understand.  And I am thankful for the “GREEN” in my personality (True Colors) that spurred me on to answer all my own questions and not to be satisfied by just reading the cold words on the page.  I learned a lot!  First, that my brother was about an inch taller than we all thought.  6’7” – tallest our family has seen in a long time.  Also, his brain was heavier than average – like we didn’t already assume that!  Heavier that Albert Einstein, but lighter than German mathematician Carl Friedrich Gauss.  And we learned that he died because of his diseased, broken heart.

The illness that he was fighting off – a cold, compounded by strep throat, led him to take OTC remedies, and the combination of the infection, the medicines, and his lifestyle were just too much for his strained heart.  There is evidence of heart disease, as well as a clot in his left coronary artery.  It was just too much.

While the report was hard for me to read, and hard to understand, I am glad I took the time to really learn about what I was reading.  The toxicology screen report was in there, too, and it came back negative for everything except the cold meds he was taking.  He was just too young.  Too young, too smart, too tenacious, too opinionated, too stubborn, too much of himself to be taken from us.  We all miss him so much.

So, how can I be strong again?  Oh yeah – Trust in Jesus, my Strong Deliverer!  The song below played on KLOVE as I drove to work this morning, and it really touched me during this difficult time.  I hope it speaks to you, too.

“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.  I don’t have to be strong enough.” – Matthew West Strong Enough


  1. Love you Betsey! I so hope this report will give you a bit of peace.

  2. Still praying for peace for all of you during this time- no doubt that was one of the hardest things I am sure you've had to read! That song is amazing- I love the part where it sings "I can do all things, through Christ who gives me strength"- I blogged about it this week too! Love to all of you!

  3. oh betsey....i am so sorry, and on the other hand, so happy for the new life you are expecting...big hugs to you...

  4. This kind of reminds me of the story we read in the Bible last night when the disciples woke Jesus up in the storm to save them. After saving them Jesus says, "Why don't you have more faith? There's no reason to be afraid when you're with Me." I asked the kids why do you think it's so hard for people to not be afraid? Even the disciples were afraid and Jesus was right there with them. Brylee said, "Because there's bad people. But I will just say, bad people don't you see I have Jesus with me?" Out of the mouths of babes to really put it into perspective. I think we can apply this to bad things as well as people.