Remembering

April 8, 2011.  2 years ago today.  That was the last time anyone heard from my brother.  The days that followed were hard, painful, confusing, uplifting, reaffirming, and joyful all at the same time.  I took my girls on a date that Friday night to see a movie.  Sunday morning, my world came crashing down around me.  Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him.  I started a million emails to him to tell him a funny story or share a bad driving adventure with him.  I’ve seen movies he would love, watched our governmental system take turns that would turn his stomach, broken computers he would have loved to fix, and had a baby boy he will only meet in heaven someday.  These past 2 years have definitely been the hardest, most educational, and closest walk with Jesus I have ever had.  Even in his death, my Big Brother taught me lessons I would be lost without.  

Brian, I see a lot of you in Jake.  Physically, although he looks like a Baldwin, he definitely takes after you!  He as your gait, and your build.  He is smart as a whip, and has his teachers on their toes constantly.  And he has some of your mannerisms and habits, too.  Even at 6, I can see your influence on him.  He has your love of electronics and video games.  He has a lazy streak akin to yours, too.  And I think he has you beat on the “How To Tease Your Sister(s)” prize!  But most of all, he makes me smile.  Just like you did.  And the mischievous sparkle in his eye from you.

I miss you.  We all do.  Sometimes it’s purely selfish on my part thinking about our parents growing older and the responsibility of that all falling on me with no input from the smartest guy I know.  Other times it’s for my kids who won’t know their cool Uncle who buys them the “cool” gifts for birthdays and Christmas. And for you – you don’t get to know the Miracle of Finn and how he has completely changed so many things about our entire family.  But mostly, I just miss you.  Knowing you are there.  Being able to ask you questions, get advice, or vent frustrations.  Movie reviews, music critiques, restaurant recommendations.  All the good stuff you enjoyed.  I miss you every day.  Thankful to know you are in the arms of Jesus.  I’m jealous.  Love you more than you’ll ever know!

May 2004 - A Luau

 (For more about those days, see our page dedicated to his memory here on the blog)

Half a Year

Dear Finn,

In the hustle and bustle of a family of six, you turned six months old a few days ago.  Last Thursday, to be exact!  Your Daddy was home that day with you, and we were still trying to get your child care situation worked out since I went back to work.  (Not really BACK to work so much as I got a new job, but I am not home with you all the time now – I sure miss it!)  I have a silly tradition of taking my kid’s pictures on the monthly recurrence of the date they were born.  I did it with your older twin sisters, with Jake, and with you.  Those first few pictures are some of the most precious pictures I have ever taken, and I hope as a family we always remember that time and how far we have come as a family.

As for you, you are a fighter!  And still completely unpredictable!  You eat when you want to, sleep when you want to, and never do the same thing twice!  We have a better pattern going than we did for a while, and you only wake up once in the night, eat, and go right back to sleep, but the days are hit or miss!  You have good, fun, smiley days, and long, hard, crying days.  Still have colic most evenings, and still break my heart when I can’t make you feel better.  In the past few days, you have mastered grabbing at things, and my long hair seems to be the number one target.  We have gotten a few toys in your hands as well, but your muscle control isn’t the best yet, and you often end up banging yourself in the head with things!  ;)  Your doctors, SoonerStart child development specialist, and all the books say you need to do tummy time as often as possible.  That’s all fine and dandy, but you are not so much of a fan!  You still don’t lift your head up off the floor, and you don’t use your arms to help hold yourself up.  You do, however, plant your forehead firmly on the floor, and scoot (right, left, right) with your legs to move yourself forward.  While this is good, we really need you to hold your head up, buddy!  You are getting there, though.  When I hold you up over my head looking down at me, you support your head then, so we know it’s coming.  You also like to sit looking forward some.  Your head still wobbles and bobbles, but you can catch it and correct it yourself!  SUCH a strong boy!

This past weekend was Easter weekend.  You made your big public debut all over the place!  Saturday morning we took family pictures on the OSU campus, then Saturday night we went to Enid to Grandpa Jake and Grandma Mary’s church to see Grandpa sing in the Easter pageant.  You were a bit fussy, so you and I spent the first part outside, but we got to see the 2^nd half of it!  Then on Sunday you went to LifeChurch for the very first time!  You made some people cry, and our campus pastor said seeing you made his whole weekend!  LOTS of people were excited and thrilled to see you and to finally get to meet you!  Seems like we have come full circle since this was also the anniversary of Uncle Brian’s death.  That’s the event that started this whole roller coaster ride.  Seems fitting somehow…

On Monday, our SoonerStart worker came and played with you, you helped me take Stella to the vet, then we had another GREAT appointment with your pediatrician!  You weighed in at 12 pounds 4 ounces and were 24 inches long.  Good Growing, Little Man!  She also released you from all your tethers!  No more monitor – even at night!  That was the last thing we were waiting on.  Now, I am sad to tell you we still have a surgery coming up to take care of your hernia, but we’ll worry about that when the time comes.  For now, just rejoice with us that you are a FREE BABY!  I love being able to pick you up in the morning and snuggle you and catch your first smiles of the day without tripping over wires or accidentally setting off the alarms!  Such a great way to start the day!  You got 2 shots and one oral vaccine, and you woke up Tuesday morning with a bit of a fever, but one dose of fever reducer and you were good for the rest of the day - even made it to pick up Lara from dance to go to Emma's volleyball practice where we ended up talking March of Dimes with 3 other preemie parents.  Such a trooper!

Tuesday was a day of resting, because on Wednesday, you had ANOTHER big adventure!  Daddy and I both had half a day off work to take you back down to see our friends at Mercy.   

But this time, there was a camera crew there to see you, too!  We had been asked by the Oklahoma Blood Institute people to tell your story on camera to help promote the Mathis Brothers Furniture / KOCO Channel 5 blood drive that is happening this coming weekend.  You did SO GOOD!  You fell asleep while Daddy and I were talking to the camera, but you sure are sweet when you are sleeping, so the camera loved you like that!  We got to visit with a few of our favorite Mercy staff members as well, so it was a GREAT trip!  We got the word later that afternoon that the piece would air on television THAT NIGHT!  It was fun calling, texting and posting to facebook for everyone to tune in or set their DVR’s!  Unfortunately, the DVR at our house didn’t record for some reason!  We got home from t-ball practice for Jake and church/LifeGroup for the rest of us, and it wasn’t there.  We got to see it at Nana's house on Thursday, but it wasn't QUITE the same!

So, this past 6 months has definitely been the most eventful 6 months of MY life, and probably yours, too!  I have learned so much, leaned on others so much, and listened to God so much.  Thank you, Finn Ricker Weaver, for being the instrument to teach me those lessons.  I am so lucky to be your Mommy.  Here are the pictures of you on the 5^th of the last 6 months.  You have come so far!  I think we all have.  And we have you to thank for it.  We all love you so much!  Keep getting stronger and stronger and stronger! Love, Mom

Birth - October 5, 2011 - 1 lb 14 oz

1 month - November 5, 2011 - 2 lbs 2 oz

2 months - December 5, 2011 - 4 lbs 6 oz

3 months - January 5, 2012 - 7 lbs

4 months - February 5, 2012 - 9 lbs 6 oz

5 months - March 5, 2012 - 10 lbs 10 oz

6 months - April 5, 2012 - 12 lbs 4 oz

252,600 minutes

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.  In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.  How do you measure a year?  This year, we’ve measured it in about a million different ways.  This year has gone quickly, and it has dragged out longer than we could have ever imagined.  It has brought more tears than we thought we could cry, and more joy than we could even fathom.  More struggles than one family should endure, and more blessings than we can even try to count.  It’s been 12 months of 2 steps forward, one step back in many areas of our lives.  It’s hard to believe it has been a year already, but at the same time it feels like I have aged 5 in the process.  

One year ago this weekend, on a Friday night much like tonight, I took Emma and Lara on a little date to see a movie.  It was the first time we had done that – just us girls.  While across town, my mom and dad were just starting to worry that they hadn’t heard from my brother since that morning when he had called to tell our mom he wasn’t feeling too good.  Little did we know, we were one phone call from our knees.

That following Sunday morning and the events that unfolded over the next few days play back in my mind’s eye over and over again.  It still feels like a nightmare.  Like something I read or watched on TV; not the real life I live every day.  Some days, it just hits me like a ton of bricks – the loss, the grief, the anger, the weight of responsibility for the future I feel.  Other times, it’s more like a quite wave of sadness, melancholy, and sorrow for the “what could have been”s.  Either way, I am always reminded of the gift we got to experience just being part of his life.  And the legacy he has left us in the stories and favorite quotes we can still chuckle at.  I hate that my big kids’ memories of him fade every day.  And I am crushed by the notion that he won’t know our sweet little miracle Finn in this life.   But, then I remember the good times growing up – family vacations, keeping each other’s secrets, FIGHTING, seeking his advice.  And I know I am a better person for knowing him.

So, we enter this Easter weekend with heavy hearts, but so very thankful for our Risen Savior!  Because of Jesus, we know Brian is in a better place, rejoicing.  He gives us strength to face each day, and His grace is sufficient.  Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.

Forty One

Today, February 13, 2012, would have been my big brother’s 41^st birthday. Instead, we are looking back yet again on the all too short 40 years we had with him.  In retrospect, this week last year set off a series of events in my own life that I never would have dreamed possible or even plausible.  But here we are, almost on the other side, and I know it was all in God’s plan.  Blessings abound, but heartache took its toll as well.  It was this time last year that I took the last picture I have of Brian:

He and his daughter Kayleigh were here in Stillwater to celebrate his 40^th birthday and to meet our newest cousin Rocco from New York City.  I have no clue now what this picture was all about, but I remember laughing my butt off at the time.  Now, it just makes me reflective, melancholy, and sad.

I miss you every day, Big Brother.  Thanks for the memories…

What does it mean to be BOLD?

This past weekend, Lifechurch.tv and Pastor Craig Groeschel shared the second message in a series called BOLD.  The first week was called Amazing Boldness  and we learned that Boldness is a behavior born out of belief.  That God gives ordinary people extraordinary boldness and that your boldness will amaze the world.  This all came at an amazing time in my life, as I was in the middle of the being the boldest I have ever been.  This blog is my expression of BOLD!  Sharing Christ through the circumstances of my life, and praying that my words have touched, helped, or inspired someone – ANYONE – to be more like Christ and put their faith in Him. Not too long after this sermon was preached, I had an acquaintance tweet me, THANKING me for being BOLD.  That was a little affirmation that what I am doing here is making a difference – at least for that one person.

Fast Forward to week two: Bold Prayers.  This week we learned that what you pray for reflects what you believe about God.  Do you pray small, self-focused prayers?  Or do you pray Big, BOLD (Sun Stand Still) world changing prayers?  Pray for BOLDNESS!  Pray for MIRACLES!  If you have been following this blog for any length of time, you know the last 120 days have been an utter roller coaster for me and my family.  The disbelief of my brother’s death (4 months ago yesterday, in fact) and the circumstances surrounding it.  The shock of finding out we were expecting our fourth child and the wondrous surprise that was.  The terror of discovering we might lose the baby – a gift that had been presented to us; one that we never knew we even wanted. And, the miracle of being saved that tragedy.  All God’s work.  All for his glory.  All so I could learn to pray BOLD prayers and bear witness to miracles.  So that I could share these words with you, show you that our God is greater than anything you are facing, and encourage you to be faithful, and to be BOLD.

So, I have been thinking about this BOLD thing a lot the past few days.  At life group last night (shout out some LOVE to my LTC friends!), we went over the Talk It Over questions from this week (as best we could with a dozen kids running around!) and I got to share a little bit more of my story and what it means to me to be BOLD.  And how my journey with Christ has changed over the past 4 months, and what it FEELS like to be on this side of a miracle.  I told them I won’t feel completely comfortable until it is January and I am holding a healthy baby in my arms, but I KNOW that day is coming!  I feel blessed to know so many are praying for us, humbled to know that this life growing inside of me is already changing lives, and loved by so SO many people.  What an amazing demonstration of God’s purpose for our lives!  I received an email from a dear friend earlier this week reflecting on being BOLD, the miracle we have all gotten to be a part of, and how God uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things.  I want to share a portion of it with you:

I’m not just amazed by the journey you’ve already been on and the miracle that has taken place over the last 2 weeks.   I am so moved by you guys and the way you handled every step of the situation.  Believing and knowing that God would hear our prayers and remain faithful.  I look at both of your facebook pages and see the people that commented and joined you in prayer and I’m just blown away.  The number of people alone is incredible…Today I am moved by the impact that Shocker is making in so many of their lives before he/she is even here.  God is already using this baby to lead people to Christ and to witness His work and love in and through you.  This world better watch out for what is coming with the 6^th Dream Weaver!

 …I hope you see that through your trials, through your little Shocker, people can’t ignore the powerful move of God that has happened…

 

Be BOLD this week.  Pray for Boldness.  Seek ways to be bold in your everyday life.  Pray for miracles.  Watch God show off.