Friday, April 6, 2012

252,600 minutes

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.  In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.  How do you measure a year?  This year, we’ve measured it in about a million different ways.  This year has gone quickly, and it has dragged out longer than we could have ever imagined.  It has brought more tears than we thought we could cry, and more joy than we could even fathom.  More struggles than one family should endure, and more blessings than we can even try to count.  It’s been 12 months of 2 steps forward, one step back in many areas of our lives.  It’s hard to believe it has been a year already, but at the same time it feels like I have aged 5 in the process.  

One year ago this weekend, on a Friday night much like tonight, I took Emma and Lara on a little date to see a movie.  It was the first time we had done that – just us girls.  While across town, my mom and dad were just starting to worry that they hadn’t heard from my brother since that morning when he had called to tell our mom he wasn’t feeling too good.  Little did we know, we were one phone call from our knees.

That following Sunday morning and the events that unfolded over the next few days play back in my mind’s eye over and over again.  It still feels like a nightmare.  Like something I read or watched on TV; not the real life I live every day.  Some days, it just hits me like a ton of bricks – the loss, the grief, the anger, the weight of responsibility for the future I feel.  Other times, it’s more like a quite wave of sadness, melancholy, and sorrow for the “what could have been”s.  Either way, I am always reminded of the gift we got to experience just being part of his life.  And the legacy he has left us in the stories and favorite quotes we can still chuckle at.  I hate that my big kids’ memories of him fade every day.  And I am crushed by the notion that he won’t know our sweet little miracle Finn in this life.   But, then I remember the good times growing up – family vacations, keeping each other’s secrets, FIGHTING, seeking his advice.  And I know I am a better person for knowing him.

So, we enter this Easter weekend with heavy hearts, but so very thankful for our Risen Savior!  Because of Jesus, we know Brian is in a better place, rejoicing.  He gives us strength to face each day, and His grace is sufficient.  Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.

1 comment:

  1. Praying for y'all this weekend. I can imagine that its still very tender. Yet, celebrating the blessings that Finn has brought! I am so grateful that I've been a small part of this last year in your family's lives. Its shown me a side of God that I've never seen. Know that what you've been through has blessed so many people! Love y'all!!!