The LAST "firsts"

I am a mom of 4.  2 girls (Twins - almost 16; redheads). 2 boys (ages 11 and 6; noise, with dirt on it). I never planned on 4.  In fact, in high school, I never planned on ONE.  Soon after I was married (the first time) it became evident that even having ONE was going to take a miracle, and a LOT of money.  But then, TWINS! A divorce and second marriage led to my third - and what I was pretty sure was my FINAL - baby.  A few years later, and SURPRISE!  Shocker!  Bonus Baby was here.  I knew then that my family was COMPLETE.  Completely, totally, fully, COMPLETE.  It felt final.  My heart was full.  And so were my arms.

Fast Forward 17 years from that first positive pregnancy test.  I am a mom of 4.  Dealing with first boy/girl relationships, learning to drive, insane sports schedules, tween drama and crushes, and teaching the kindergartner to tie his shoes.  SAT's, entrance interviews for technical school, spelling tests we forgot to study for, and losing that first tooth.  With 9.5 years between my oldest and my youngest, there is a LOT of parenting going on at any one time.  By the time the Baby (I get to call him that, and I will for as long as he lets me) graduates from our beloved High School, I will have had a child in the local school system for TWENTY-FOUR (24) consecutive years (even though one will have completed 4 years with a neighboring district).  That's a lot of FIRSTS.  Class parties, graduations, assemblies, awards, concerts, plays, sporting events, fundraisers, and on and on and on.  But, what about the LASTS?

Somewhere in the last couple of years, I stumbled upon a blog entry on Scary Mommy  that talked about the LASTS.  You know, the last time you gave your baby a real bath.  The last time you carried them to bed.  The last time they weren't embarrassed to hug you in public. We celebrate the 'Firsts,' but what about the 'lasts'?  I am finding myself in a BIG series of lasts over the next few weeks.  For the girls, they will be 16 in the next 10 weeks.  When will be the last time I drive them to school or pick them up from a practice?  For my older son, we are planning his 5th grade graduation ceremony and party for the end of May.  That will be his last day in the elementary school we have loved so well and that has watched him grow up.  And the tiny one. I know the lasts are piling up quick for him!  Last time he crawls into our bed at night just because he wants to snuggle.  Last time I tie his shoes for him because he is now an expert.  And the one that inspired this writing.  He lost his FIRST tooth yesterday.  That's my LAST first tooth!

Hit me like a ton a bricks.  I wasn't prepared!  He had no tooth fairy pillow!  I ordered one the minute we discovered the loose tooth, but I wasn't fast enough (BIG THANKS and shout out to Big Brother for the loaner pillow).  I didn't have a crisp $5 bill on hand - my usual tooth fairy surprise for a first tooth.  (Who am I kidding here?  There have been MANY scrambles for cash over the 10+ years in our loosing teeth shenanigans!) But dad to the rescue with 5 loose one dollar bills to stuff the pillow.  So for Little Guy, it was a successful event.  One he won't really remember much about based on my experiences - even if it was super dramatic and involved a lot of tears and commotion at the time.  He was so proud to tell all his grandparents, his teacher, and his friends.  He had us send pictures to everyone we knew and posted it on our social media accounts.  He slept hard, the tooth fairy delivered, and he woke up so excited to have MONEY and no tooth.  This is what 6 year old dreams are made of.

But for me?  This time?  I will remember this LAST.  This is the LAST time I will pull that first tooth.  Terrified little child, the sound of that final "pop" as it comes out, the tears, and the BLOOD.  The fear truing to disbelief.  The disbelieving to wonder and joy.  Then, EXCITEMENT!  He was brave, and HE DID IT!  It was not as painful or scary as he imagined.  Big Brother talked him through it, held his hand, rubbed his back.  Mom had the cool, wet washcloth at the ready and was as gentle as she could be.  And even though the sight of his own blood terrified him, he finally got past it and looked in the mirror for the first time with that big gap in the middle of his lower jaw.  All smiles - a new smile!  The tiny tooth cleaned off and secured in Big Brother's OSU themed tooth fairy pillow (because the shark themed one we ordered for #4 was still in transit).  Going to bed excited for the morning.  And all my Momma heart wanted to do was capture every second.  Soak it in.  (Until I had to leave the house to go pick up a teenager from the bus returning from a baseball game she was the trainer for - it never ends).

I got a few pictures.  And a few more form Dad after I left.

This is my first is a series of LASTS.  This is the season of parenthood I am in.  No more babies.  Or toddlers.  Or even little kids.  They're all big kids and young adults now.  And they each need me less and less on a psychical level every day.  I am "Raising Older Kids."  Many hours of many days, this is harder than the days of the "newborn fog" and the relentless terrible two's - or THREENAGERS.  Maybe not physically, but mentally. Emotionally.  I never dreamed I would be a mother of 4.  But here I am.  And this moment is fleeting.  2 years, and 2 of them are off to college (or whatever adventure adult life brings their way).  Next year is Middle School for the middle child. And my baby?  He's just going to keep loosing teeth.  And tying his shoes. And preferring showers to baths.  And sleeping in his own bed.  How will I know when it is the LAST TIME?

And since I won't always know when the last time is THE LAST TIME, I will cherish every moment and every memory I can.  First and last proms.  First and last awards ceremonies.  First and last bike rides.  The #momlife sure has a lot of ups and downs.  Bittersweet moments.  Instants to cherish.  No one prepared me for these complexities, but most days I am glad they didn't. I am on a grand adventure with my tribe. All the twists and turns; all the celebrations and memorials along the way.  All the lessons we have each learned. I am a mom of 4.

#FourthKid

If you are around me much and you listen to me tell stories about our Finicky Finn, you'll often hear me sigh and somehow throw in the words "hashtag fourth kid." He is my a-typical child.  My enigma.  My little mystery.  He doesn't do things the way any of his older siblings did - he eats differently, sleeps differently, receives discipline differently.  He is feisty, and fearless, and ferocious.  He is strong, and smart, and steadfast.  And he does it all in his own time and in his own way.  Always has.

We've spent the last few weeks waiting on test results from the X-rays and labs he did with the endocrinologist.  And doing the usual Dream Weaver things - running club, haircuts, dance, sports injuries, rehearsals, basketball evaluations, March for Babies committee meetings, building dreams, WORK!  Earlier last week, we received a call from the endocrinologist.  Unfortunately, we missed the call, and have been playing phone tag ever since.  While we have no official word about results, we feel that since they aren't working too hard to get us on the phone, we must be in the clear and just waiting for our 6 month follow up.  I'll call AGAIN tomorrow... Mixed in with all of that was a visit for Mr. Finn to his audiologist at Hearts for Hearing.  We had cancelled the last appointment for various reasons, so it had been over 6 months since our last visit.  The good news is, he is finally a BIG BOY and can do the tests in a big boy way!  Gives them a better idea of what he really is hearing and how he is reacting.  Honestly, it was pretty cool to watch him do all the tests!  He is so smart!  But, the less than stellar news was that the ear without the tube (which fell out early this year), had definite hearing loss. *sigh*



I left there feeling frustrated,  Here we are again.  In the last 2 months we had seen the ENT, the pediatrician, his ears had been checked at school, and now the audiologist.  The story from each was never quite the same - which is slightly understandable since time was passing and the ear was changing all along.  We heard tubes, no tubes, wait, and act now.  After much discussion, we agreed to go back to the ENT - he is the medical expert in this area.  He will help us formulate a plan of action.

Parenting 4 kids is a challenge.  They are all very different.  Navigating their needs and wants; encouraging their dreams and abilities. Spending quality time in this roller coaster existence.  And add to that one who has need for more medical interventions and attention.  Its overwhelming some days.  A lot of days.  How much is too much?  How much is not enough?  When should I intervene? When should I wait?  The struggle is real.  And I feel for parents who have to make much tougher medical decisions than I do.  I know I have it pretty easy in the grand scheme of things...  But, it's my life and my family that have to deal with this particular situation.  And we see how the stress and strain effects our environment. Yes, I want Finn to hear properly, but he has made such huge strides in 3 months with language!  Is it necessary to put him under - AGAIN?  Plus, last time we talked replacing the tube there was talk of removing the tonsils and adenoids... Will that help his sleep?  And maybe his eating?  All of these nagging questions pulling tag this Momma's heart - all the while I'm trying to stretch it to include the other 3 kids, and my ever-patient husband. Whom I keep looking at with pleading eyes, asking, "What next?"

He's so lucky to have GREAT older siblings in Emma, Jake and Lara!

That appointment with our ENT was today. We covered the entire Finn health history again. Brought our doctor up to speed on the latest developments.  Examined Finn.  And then were presented with solutions.  It was recommended that we replace the missing tube, clean up (and replace if necessary) the existing tube, and to leave the tonsils and adenoids alone - for now. We all agreed this was the best plan of action for our Fighter, Finn.

His surgery is Thursday.  As in, not tomorrow, or the next day, but the next day.  First thing in the morning.  We covet your prayers once again.  He's older now.  And more fretful.  While I am not anxious at all about the procedure, the recovery may be a bit more eventful than the last time.  We truly hope and pray this brings him relief, normal hearing, and a LONG stay away from hospitals, surgeries, and doctor's appointments!  Our sweet boy - always a fighter.  And always doing it his own way. #FourthKid



#FourthKid Finn