I am my beloved's, and my beloved is
mine. Song of Solomon 6:3
A dear,
sweet girlfriend of mine, 10 years my junior, send me a one line email
yesterday that basically changed my whole day.
I have known this woman for going on 10 years now, and she is a precious
gift to me. Keeps me on my toes – just like
she did when we first met! She was in
college then, and I’ve watch her “grow up” and make all kinds of adult
decisions – college boyfriend problems, first real job, buying that first
house, meeting the man of her dreams, her fabulous wedding, and the birth of
her first child, a son, last fall.
This is what
she asked:
How do you and Britt stay so happy and not let
stress of everything affect your relationship?
And this is how I answered. It’s not one line. Or even close to it. It is years of life experience. It’s going through a divorce at 29. It’s marrying the man God made for me after a
4 month courtship – even though when I first met him the 10 year age difference
scared me to death. It’s people with 2
full time jobs and 4 kids. It’s not
easy. But it is a choice. Every day.
And one my husband and I both choose.
EVERYDAY!
Ha
ha ha ha ha!!! Oh, it affects us. ALL THE TIME! I don't think we spoke for about 5 hours yesterday. This 10
hour work day thing is hard. (I am working 4 – 10 hour days this summer to have
one full day off each week with my kids.)
I leave before everyone gets out of bed, and when I get home I'm
exhausted.
Communication
is KEY! Part of the fall apart yesterday is we
both had a plan in our heads for how last night's activities (dinner, VBS, last
T-ball game and party) would go, but we were on completely different pages.
Plus, he's feeling neglected because I've got sorority meetings all this
weekend then I leave next week for a 5 day convention. All kid free. So, don't be fooled.
It's HARD!
But, we are committed to each other and to making it work. We don't hold grudges or bring up old
issues. We give each other space. We always acknowledge the other person's
viewpoint, even if we think they're ridiculous. We laugh. A lot. At ourselves, at each other, at the kids. We have
a pretty clear definition of responsibilities, too. And if I do one of his
chores or he does one of mine, that's like a bonus!!!!
We know neither of us is smarter, tougher, more important, or better
than the other. We often say, “It's not a competition.” We are both bad
about when one of us is complaining about something, the other tells how bad
they've got it - how much worse it is. One Uppers! We try really hard to nip that when it
starts. It's not healthy or fair. Speaking of fair, we know life's not fair. We also know marriage is not 50/50. It's 100/100!
ALL THE TIME! As is parenting.
You have to remember that no one’s life is perfect. You can't compare your daily drudges to someone else's highlight reel. What you see out in public, or on Facebook, may not be a true representation of what's going in behind closed doors...
What else? Oh! We keep our private life private. We leave our parents/friends out of
stuff that's really none of their business. We tell them bare minimums if it’s
needed, and tell them to butt out. The decisions we make as a couple with God’s
guidance, for OUR family are for us. We
don’t like feeling judged for what we deem appropriate for US and OUR family,
so we just keep it to ourselves. As compassionate
humans, we tend to “side” with our own parents or friends. That can leave the spouse feeling left or, or
worse yet, defensive. If you don’t
include those outside people to begin with, it saves a lot of heartache and
bickering when others (especially parents) get involved.
And we never tear each other down. Especially in public. No matter how
stupid I think he's being. ;) LOL! If he disciplines the kids and I think he's
too hard or too soft, I save that for a later conversation. If he says
something off the cuff that hurts my feelings, I (try REALLY REALLY HARD to not
to) don’t lash out and give as good as I got.
I don't make fun of him in public, but we do at home or in the car - so
we can laugh privately about how dumb something was! And show our kids that we know we’re not
perfect, and we do make mistakes. But we
recover from them, and move forward.
We
are "allowed" to have a bad day.
Or two. Without consequence or nagging from the other. But, we also point it
out. Either admitting to the other person that were in a funk, or struggling,
or whatever – especially when we want to be left alone, and the other person KEEPS
ASKING “what’s wrong?” And, we point it out, gently and lovingly, to the other
person if they have not acknowledged it. Like, "I can tell you're not in a
great mood. I wish I could help. Tell me if you need me to do something.
Otherwise, I'm here for you, and I'll be here when you get out of your funk."
Then let it go! We all process things differently!
SAY
YOU’RE SORRY. First. Every time. Even if you think he should say it
first. Don’t wait for him to do it just
to prove a point. It’s not worth it. Truly be sorry. Maybe not for your actions or opinions, but
for the hurt you may have caused or the tone of voice you used. Apologize, and then never bring it up again. And don’t start the next sentence with “but!”
Your
spouse is FOR you – not against you. They love you the most. Stood up in front of an audience and
proclaimed it. So, just because you
disagree or have an argument, he is not saying he loves you any less. Don’t be defensive. Listen, and hear him out. Disagreement does not equal dislike. It just means you have differences. Respect that.
Revel in it. LEARN from it.
…
I told you it wasn’t short! Then, this follow up question came:
What about when it comes to opposite sex….? Celebrities or real people... Flirting, staying attracted to each other stuff like that- how do you handle that or keep out of the gray area? or [what do you] do if someone does start to tread into the gray or black area?
That's a tough one. Maybe it gets
better with age? I remember this being a MUCH BIGGER issue with J (My first
husband - married at 21, broken by 28 divorced by 30; got 2 AMAZING redheads
out of the deal, and a TON of life lessons) than with Britt. Britt and I both
tend to have jealous tendencies. But, we joke that we're old and fat and no one
would want us except each other anyway! Ok, only half joking! ;) But honestly,
we are so secure in OUR relationship
that it just doesn't faze us. He knows I have celebrity crushes and I know who
his are too. I do think this has evolved the longer we've been together, and
the older we get. (We were 31 and 41 when we got married, 38 and 48 now.) We had some issues with it that first year -
mainly because I married him right after a string of a few 1-2 month
relationships (I was “sewing my oats,” I guess.
Married at 21 that first time…) and he knew too much about those as he
was my “friend” during a lot of that time.
Again, I know we lovingly point out "questionable" behavior
to each other. That has definitely evolved through the relationship. I am way more apt to call him out on
something now than I was 7 years ago. Or,
if it is seriously making the other person uncomfortable, we confront them. I
am a flirt by nature, and I know Britt hates that. It was an issue when I
worked in [the OSU] football [office] for sure! (I worked there when we met and through the first 2 years we were married.) He called me out for it
quite often. I think as we have matured
and our relationship has grown, we've gotten past it. Plus, I'm not turning any
heads, so it's completely harmless at this point! ;)
I think the respect we have for one another and the protection we have in our marriage helps too. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. We decided long
ago not to put ourselves in situations that could be misconstrued by each other
or anyone else for that matter. We do not do lunch / meetings / trips with only
one member of the opposite sex - there has to be 2 people with us; one same
sex. It's just for accountability. We always check with the other before we make plans with other couples (or
individuals) to make sure it's something they are OK with. Not for permission, but out of respect.
It's that important to us. And yes, people (women, mostly) make fun of me for getting
"permission" from my husband to do things. But, I respect my marriage 1,000 times more that I care about their
opinions! :)
That's a good internal filter to have,
too. Before I do A LOT of things I ask myself not only what would Jesus think,
but what would BRITT want me to do? It helps me remember how important he is to
me and how special this marriage is to both of us!
…
These answers came fast and furiously,
tapped out in record speed (with minimal typos) on my iPhone between wrangling
my four kids on an outing for lunch and pool time. So, I didn’t put a ton of thought into
them. Just spoke form the heart and
poured out the things that God brought to my mind. After I sent this novel to my friend, I
decided I should share it with my husband as well. So, I did.
Forwarded him all the messages with this note:
“Just
so you know what I told her, and so you can see how important you and this
marriage are to me. I LOVE YOU!!!”
When Britt got home from work, he told
me he was so glad I shared all that with him.
Even suggested this blog (which I had already thought of)! He is so good to me. God really knew what He was doing when he
made our crazy, winding all over the place paths meet. So blessed.
After my husband and I took the kids to
VBS, we were talking about this topic again, and this quote from one of our
favorite movies came to mind:
“Fireproof[ing your marriage] doesn't mean the fire
will never come. It means when the fire comes that you will be able to
withstand it. ”
I promptly texted it to my friend, and she replied
with a resounding “I needed to hear that.”
I think we all do sometimes. What
a great reminder. My marriage is Fireproof. The fire comes. And the fire is hot, and the fire can be
destructive, but we withstand it, and we rebuild. Is your marriage fireproof?
(If the above shows up as a blank black box, click on the box to see the video)
