Bucket List

Urban Dictionary says a bucket list is “A list of things to do before you die.  Comes from the term ‘kicked the bucket.’ I need to remember to add skydiving to my bucket list.”

I’ve never really made a “Bucket List.”  Not sure why.  Just didn’t feel the need?  Probably. Don’t have anything to put on it? Not Likely. Living every day to the fullest so its redundant? Hmmm… Maybe?  I don’t really know.  But I do know people who are very serious about their lists.  Accomplishing one per year, or posting it in their home or office and physically marking one off as it is met.  I love that spirit; that determination!  I like goals.  I write those down.  So, in a way, that’s like a “mini bucket list” I guess…

I am thinking about this today since I have seen the term (over)used this weekend on my social highlight reels media feeds.  A local little league team won a state tournament.  A 90’s Country Super Star and Oklahoma native played 4 concerts in 2 days (or something like that) in OKC. Summer beach vacations to exotic and “once in a lifetime” locations.  Bucket list: CHECK, CHECK, CHECK! I am so happy for everyone who got to check something off their list this summer!  It’s truly a priceless memory for you, and I enjoy sharing in the experience through your pictures.  THANK YOU for letting me in, just a little.

So, what about my bucket list?  What should I put on it?  What do I want to “do before I die?”  As a start, I’d say: Love Jesus.  Be more like Him every day.  Shine His light to others. Grow tiny humans into AMAZING adults - who love Jesus, want to be more like Him every day, and shine His light to others. [Work in progress, so ½ CHECK]

What else?  What experiences?  LOVE, truly love, others.  BE loved.  Be cherished, treasured, valued. To make a difference in someone’s life. Show grace every chance I can.  We all make mistakes, we ALL need grace. (Spotify totally “gets” me!  Grace Upon Grace by Brooke + Boggs just came on!) If you’ve met my husband and kids, and know them, you KNOW these things happen daily in our house. [Repeat these goals daily: CHECK] (*sidebar – don’t get me wrong!  We are NOT perfect, and I am pretty sure I am the least perfect among us – but, GRACE!)

Beyond that, my mind goes completely blank.  There’s nowhere I “need” to go before I die.  I am happiest in my home in the presence of the family and friends that love me best.  There’s nothing material I “need” to buy to fill a gap (although I have a short list of things I would like to have…).  And there is no one I “need” to meet before I die.  Because, the only guy I really want to encounter, I don’t get to see until I get to Heaven and fall in to his loving arms.  Where there is no pain.  No weeping.  No “need.”  [Until that day: CHECK]

God showed me what Grace truly looks like when he brought Britt into our (Mine, Emma’s and Lara’s) lives.  You see, the 3 years before that were filled with very little grace, and had been something no one would put on a bucket list.  But, God!  When I wasn’t looking, when I felt least loved, when mistakes made me feel worthless, God showered out grace by introducing me to my future husband.  And, because I don’t receive gifts well sometimes, I almost missed out on it.  Good thing my God moves mountains and has perfect timing!

Let me tell you about him.  Britt.  Giver.  Thinker.  Entertainer.  Loves Fiercely.  Laughs incessantly. Lives abundantly. He loves Jesus, and he loves us.  As the spiritual leader of our home, he makes sure we pray.  He encourages us to be in the Word daily. He drives us to church every weekend – even when we are sweaty and sunburned from long days of baseball.  He is insanely smart.  I may have scored highly on an IQ test as a teenager, made good grades in high school and graduated college with a double major, but my husband is infinitely smarter than I am!  This, in itself, makes the grace God granted an irreplaceable gift!  He is always the first to offer whatever he can others.  Generous beyond measure.  His time, his talents, his treasure – he knows they are not his and they are gifts to be shared. A lesson he is still teaching me and one I will never be as good at, but I marvel at his ability to be this way without a second thought and I strive to emulate him. He is the light in any darkness.  My husband loves to laugh, and God gave him the best sense of humor and the ability to share it so easily with others.  Everyone that spends time with him knows he is FUNNY, and truly appreciates it.  No one in our house goes a full day without a good, hearty laugh. And never at your own expense.  He knows how to laugh WITH you, not AT you.  He is loyal, committed, and honorable.  If he says he is going to do something, he does it.  And he does it well.  His word MEANS something.  And oh!  His LOVE!  It’s BIG!  It covers more ground than any of us deserve (Sounds a bit like Jesus, no?) Every single one of us is unlovable at times.  But it doesn’t matter to him.  When my demons are loud and my tears are real and my words harsh, Britt is right by my side.  When the kids’ dreams are fading in front of their eyes and their hearts are broken for any reason, he is the first to offer a shoulder and a wise word of encouragement.  When we’ve all had too much screen time and our phones/devices are growing out of our palms, he reminds us to put them down!  He puts every single need I or one of the kids perceives we have in front of his own.  His love language is giving gifts.  He loves to surprise us with anything that will bring a smile to our face.  Tiny and meaningful only to the receiver, or big and boisterous for all to see – same love in them all.

With a love like this in my life, the grace I have received, and all the other amazing blessings that surround me, it seems somehow selfish to pen a “bucket list.”  But, friends, there is ONE THING I “need” in this season of my life.  If you’ve followed our story, you already know what it is.  But I will ask again.  My amazing, wonderful, incomparable husband NEEDS A JOB.  Did you know it has been 11 LONG months (today) since he became unemployed?  It’s been a tremendous storm.  Unimaginable, relentless, devastating in so many ways.  But we have gained so much from it, too!  Incredible patience.  The generosity of friends and strangers alike.  Faith in our God and his perfect timing.  I believe in the power of prayer and I know a God that performs miracles daily.  The time has not been right yet, but I know it’s coming. 

Please pray with me.  For provision during this storm, and for my husband’s employment.  So many opportunities that fell through in the 11^th hour.  So many discouraging phone calls and emails.  So many unpaid bills.  He has never had more than a moment of doubt, a minute of fear, or a second of sadness.  Unfathomable.  For me – Queen of Anxiety and Depression.  But I look at him and it makes me stronger.  He reminds me that this is not about me, or the kids, or even him!  It’s about JESUS and trust.  I trust you, Lord.  I trust you. 

Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see
I try to win this war
I confess, my hands are weary, I need Your rest
Mighty warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face You're by my side

When You don't move the mountains
I'm needing You to move
When You don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don't give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You

          ~Lauren Daigle, “Trust In You”

My amazing husband (that’s what I call him; that’s how is name is saved in my phone contacts)

came to check on me and see what I was doing.  He asked if I was writing him a love letter when he saw me typing.  My knee-jerk reaction was to say no.  But, yes.  YES!  YES – I WROTE YOU A LOVE LETTER!  I love you and I love Jesus in you.  I love who you are and what you do.  I love you as a man, a husband, a step-father, and a father.  And my love for you grows everyday.  I am so thankful for a God that provides, and shows us GRACE.

Honest? Honest.

Weddings.  New Babies.  Debilitating accidents. Devastating cancer diagnoses.  These are all life events.  BIG life events.  Events that bring people closer. That bring about tremendous changes.  And foster love, support and PRAYERS from family and community. We’ve all been there.  We’ve all shared these events.  We’ve all prayed for families in every one of these situations. 

But, I see something missing from this list.  (Obviously, MANY things are missing, but I’m focusing on one…)  Something that’s usually not broadcast to the masses.  Something private; personal.  Embarrassing, almost.  But it’s something that has impacted our family in a TREMENDOUS way the past few months, and we have decided to open up about it to ask for that love, glean caring support, and definitely petition your powerful prayers.

I am going to be very vulnerable now.  Honest. Transparent.  As some of you know, Britt lost his job of 11 years at OSU back at the beginning of the fall semester.  He has been fervently searching for a job since then.  He went through several interviews with a company about 2 months ago, and we thought we had that one locked down.  Until they quit corresponding with him and he had no way to get in touch with them.  (This actually happened twice, 2 different local companies.) Then, since Christmas, he had another job lined out and was supposed to start training yesterday.  All last week, he tried to verify, but with no responses.  So, he got up yesterday and headed to Tulsa (where the training would be).  About 15 miles away from his destination, someone finally called him back.  And told him there had been some miscommunication and he was not going to be training and the job he had applied for had been filled.  So, he is back to the drawing board.

Right after the first of the year, I also became unemployed.  At that point, we thought Britt would be starting a job on January 23, so while it was not ideal, we figured we could hold out a few more weeks.  With the events of yesterday, now we are facing the reality of what an overwhelmingly hard situation we are really in.  We are both applying for every job we are remotely qualified for.  But, we could use some help!  Prayer support, of course.  But, I have had a lot of good luck in the past with word-of-mouth for job openings!  Two of my favorite jobs in the past came to me through friends either recommending I apply and/or recommending me to the employer.  Any help you can give in this area is much appreciated as well.

The “How’s” and Why’s” about our current circumstances don’t really matter.  We don’t (generally) go around asking how a baby was conceived or details about whose fault the car wreck was that a friend got injured in.  So, we ask that instead of being concerned about those details, pray for the details we all know.  That Britt and I both need to be employed.  We are lucky to have the additional income from our ******** business and the cash Britt makes from being Stillwater’s BEST Uber driver, but we still need the added income and security a regular job offers.  Pray for provision for our family.  Pray that our kids can weather this storm with minimal negative side effects.  Pray for our marriage – stress is BAD for a marriage and we are feeling that tremendous pressure.  We are filled with faith that God has BIG things in store for both of us and He is simply taking this time to prepare us, but we waver in moments of doubt and anxiety.  Your loving support is cherished.

This song came on the radio as I drove Lara to her duties as a basketball team manager at 6:30 this morning.  It really spoke to me, and details the message I want to share today.  “Hold it all together Everybody needs you strong But life hits you out of nowhere And barely leaves you holding on. And when you're tired of fighting Chained by your control There's freedom in surrender Lay it down and let it go.

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held Just be held, just be held …”

From our inner circle, we have received many supportive phone calls and texts.  I want to share one of my favorites; the one I cling to: “There is something very special out there just waiting for you to find it.”  There is purpose in the process.  “Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held…”

Best. Husband. EVAH!

With six people in our house, it is ALWAYS crazy busy.  And noisy.  And chaotic.  AND FUN!  And you know why?  Because of my AMAZING husband!  He begs me not to call him that – for fear he will fall short – but I tell him over and over and over again, “Ain’t gonna happen!”  In my eyes, and in my heart, there is no one better at being the first in command at Six Dream Weavers!  My husband, my friend, my confidant, my love.

As usual, we have had a super busy last few weeks.  Between March of Dimes committee work, the March for Babies, Finn’s birthday, Emma’s volleyball, Lara’s dance, Jake’s flag football, Finn’s numerous medical and developmental appointments, traveling over Fall Break for a family wedding, work, school and church, I MISS MY HUSBAND!  I feel like I don’t get to spend time with him much these days.  We haven’t had a date in months, and I don’t think we have seen a movie (alone, together, in a theater) in over a year.  We try to have lunch together most days, but even then we are under the time crunch of work responsibilities, and all we do is talk about our crazy schedule!

So, I want to take this opportunity to brag on my man a little bit.  He’s been feeling the pressure of being the Leader of our family this month, and he deserves some applause.  He wears the hat of husband/father/provider very VERY well, and I want to tell you about it!

He is the Head and Spiritual Leader of our home.   His God given charge and one he takes seriously.  Most important job he has.  He prays with us and for us, and reminds us to keep the Faith.  He lifts us up and encourages us, even in the darkest of nights.  He starts every single day in the Word, and encourages me to do the same.  I love him so much for his example of being an Overcomer!  

But, the list goes on from there.  A little over 2 years ago he took over laundry duty since I was in the hospital.  I have never fully taken it back (I am in charge of towels and “miscellaneous” loads).  He is in charge of all things “outside” including the garage, the storage area, and the yard.  He is CFO.  That stands for Chief Food Officer (I loathe grocery shopping (ADD kicks in and I just want to leave), and while I am fully capable of “warming things up,” he is our head cook).  It stands for Chief Financial Officer (guardian of the checkbook, master of bills, stifle-r of on-line shopping).  And it stands for Chief FUN Officer.  He told me once long ago that his goal is to make me laugh once a day.  Most days, he far surpasses that goal!  Sometimes it is at our children’s expense (when do they “get” sarcasm?), but most of the time it’s just because he is so funny!  And so much fun to be around!  He loves to take the back roads and explore the unknown - traits I simply don't have!  He helps with household chores, leads our family meetings (ask me about this sometime – it’s a GREAT tradition we started (his idea) a couple years ago, and it works SO WELL for our family), helps keep our schedule in order (along with my organizing pal, Cozi!), and has the best logistics plans to get it all done when I just can’t see how it will happen.

I love the way he loves me.  And our family.  He is a giver in every sense of the word, and he truly puts my happiness and comfort, as well as that of our kids, before his own.  (Pretty sure he hasn’t had a new pair of shoes in ages.)  And he honors and loves me by loving my girls.  Emma, Lara and I were a package deal - with the added "baggage" of an ex-husband.  A deal he accepted with grace, humbleness and an open mind, but was genuinely overwhelmed by sometimes in the beginning.  Add two bouncing baby boys to the mix, and now and then, we wonder ourselves how we keep our heads above water!  But watching him parent, teach, and guide our babies – ALL FOUR OF THEM -- makes my heart swell with pride.  I admire the way he explains life’s ups and downs to them and how he comforts them when things don’t go their way.  He knows them each so well individually and knows just what they need and when they need it.  He can talk Emma off the ledge wen I don’t even want to try.  He helps Lara laugh at herself and see the joy in things.  He encourages Jake to try new things and never give up.  And, Finn would have cried A LOT MORE than he did the first two years of his life without his sweet Daddy constantly holding him and rocking him.

He is generous to a fault.  And not in a bad way.  We may not be able to even be in the same zip code as “The Joneses’” but if you need something we have, you can have it.  No questions asked.  We don’t always have money to donate or spend, but we have time, and a few talents, and he has shown me the importance of giving freely of those intangible things.  What an AWESOME example he is setting for the next generation!  I never fully understood what it meant to volunteer my time and get involved in something I believe in, until my husband showed me.  Now, I wish I could do more with my time!  He is an AWESOME fundraiser, and the time he spends at the Church welcoming everyone both make me so happy he is part of my life.

Now, don’t think for an instant it’s all perfect in the Weaver house!  Sometimes, we are tired, sick, and fed up.  We yell.  At each other.  Regretfully, in front of the kids.  Even at the kids.  We get frustrated with each other; with life’s circumstances; with too many kids (activities, homework, fights, OH MY!) and not enough time, money, energy.  But in the end, we know what really matters.  Each one of us, and the love we have for each other.  We are a family – and families stick together.  We may not agree on how to fold the towels, or what to have for dinner, or what “on time” means, but we will fight fiercely for our marriage, tirelessly for our kids, and ALWAYS look to God for the answers to our problems.  God promises to make absolutely every one of your life experiences – the joyful ones and the miserable ones – work for you.  I sincerely believe that with my whole heart.

We are so thankful for our parents who are wonderful examples (Weavers married 57+ years; Rickers 46+ years), our fabulous LTC LifeGroup who we get the privilege of doing life with, and all the people who know us, love us, and pray for us.  No, we’re not perfect.  But we are CONTENT.  And that’s a feeling I will take over perfect or happy anyway.  I wake up every day blessed to be in the place I am in, honored to have such an incredible (another word for AMAZING) husband, and to have more than enough under my roof and on my table.  My cup runneth over.

I love you, Babe!  Thanks – for everything! (You are AMAZING!  My phone even says so!)

Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.  Matthew 6:31-33

P.S. We definitely agree on how the toilet paper rolls.  OVER!  ALWAYS.

An Honest Look Inside Our Marriage

 I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine.  Song of Solomon 6:3

A dear, sweet girlfriend of mine, 10 years my junior, send me a one line email yesterday that basically changed my whole day.  I have known this woman for going on 10 years now, and she is a precious gift to me.  Keeps me on my toes – just like she did when we first met!  She was in college then, and I’ve watch her “grow up” and make all kinds of adult decisions – college boyfriend problems, first real job, buying that first house, meeting the man of her dreams, her fabulous wedding, and the birth of her first child, a son, last fall.   

This is what she asked:

How do you and Britt stay so happy and not let stress of everything affect your relationship?

And this is how I answered.  It’s not one line.  Or even close to it.  It is years of life experience.  It’s going through a divorce at 29.  It’s marrying the man God made for me after a 4 month courtship – even though when I first met him the 10 year age difference scared me to death.  It’s people with 2 full time jobs and 4 kids.  It’s not easy.  But it is a choice.  Every day.  And one my husband and I both choose.  EVERYDAY!

Ha ha ha ha ha!!!  Oh, it affects us. ALL THE TIME! I don't think we spoke for about 5 hours yesterday. This 10 hour work day thing is hard. (I am working 4 – 10 hour days this summer to have one full day off each week with my kids.)  I leave before everyone gets out of bed, and when I get home I'm exhausted. 

Communication is KEY! Part of the fall apart yesterday is we both had a plan in our heads for how last night's activities (dinner, VBS, last T-ball game and party) would go, but we were on completely different pages. Plus, he's feeling neglected because I've got sorority meetings all this weekend then I leave next week for a 5 day convention. All kid free. So, don't be fooled. It's HARD!

But, we are committed to each other and to making it work. We don't hold grudges or bring up old issues. We give each other space. We always acknowledge the other person's viewpoint, even if we think they're ridiculous. We laugh. A lot. At ourselves, at each other, at the kids. We have a pretty clear definition of responsibilities, too. And if I do one of his chores or he does one of mine, that's like a bonus!!!!  

We know neither of us is smarter, tougher, more important, or better than the other. We often say, “It's not a competition.” We are both bad about when one of us is complaining about something, the other tells how bad they've got it - how much worse it is. One Uppers!  We try really hard to nip that when it starts. It's not healthy or fair. Speaking of fair, we know life's not fair. We also know marriage is not 50/50. It's 100/100!  ALL THE TIME! As is parenting.

You have to remember that no one’s life is perfect. You can't compare your daily drudges to someone else's highlight reel. What you see out in public, or on Facebook, may not be a true representation of what's going in behind closed doors...

What else? Oh! We keep our private life private. We leave our parents/friends out of stuff that's really none of their business. We tell them bare minimums if it’s needed, and tell them to butt out. The decisions we make as a couple with God’s guidance, for OUR family are for us.  We don’t like feeling judged for what we deem appropriate for US and OUR family, so we just keep it to ourselves.  As compassionate humans, we tend to “side” with our own parents or friends.  That can leave the spouse feeling left or, or worse yet, defensive.  If you don’t include those outside people to begin with, it saves a lot of heartache and bickering when others (especially parents) get involved. 

And we never tear each other down. Especially in public. No matter how stupid I think he's being. ;) LOL! If he disciplines the kids and I think he's too hard or too soft, I save that for a later conversation. If he says something off the cuff that hurts my feelings, I (try REALLY REALLY HARD to not to) don’t lash out and give as good as I got.  I don't make fun of him in public, but we do at home or in the car - so we can laugh privately about how dumb something was!  And show our kids that we know we’re not perfect, and we do make mistakes.  But we recover from them, and move forward.

We are "allowed" to have a bad day. Or two. Without consequence or nagging from the other. But, we also point it out. Either admitting to the other person that were in a funk, or struggling, or whatever – especially when we want to be left alone, and the other person KEEPS ASKING “what’s wrong?” And, we point it out, gently and lovingly, to the other person if they have not acknowledged it. Like, "I can tell you're not in a great mood. I wish I could help. Tell me if you need me to do something. Otherwise, I'm here for you, and I'll be here when you get out of your funk."  Then let it go! We all process things differently!

SAY YOU’RE SORRY.  First.  Every time.  Even if you think he should say it first.  Don’t wait for him to do it just to prove a point.  It’s not worth it.  Truly be sorry.  Maybe not for your actions or opinions, but for the hurt you may have caused or the tone of voice you used.  Apologize, and then never bring it up again.  And don’t start the next sentence with “but!”

Your spouse is FOR you – not against you.  They love you the most.  Stood up in front of an audience and proclaimed it.  So, just because you disagree or have an argument, he is not saying he loves you any less.  Don’t be defensive.  Listen, and hear him out.  Disagreement does not equal dislike.  It just means you have differences.  Respect that.  Revel in it.  LEARN from it.

…

 

I told you it wasn’t short!  Then, this follow up question came:

What about when it comes to opposite sex….? Celebrities or real people... Flirting, staying attracted to each other stuff like that- how do you handle that or keep out of the gray area? or [what do you] do if someone does start to tread into the gray or black area?

That's a tough one. Maybe it gets better with age? I remember this being a MUCH BIGGER issue with J (My first husband - married at 21, broken by 28 divorced by 30; got 2 AMAZING redheads out of the deal, and a TON of life lessons) than with Britt. Britt and I both tend to have jealous tendencies. But, we joke that we're old and fat and no one would want us except each other anyway! Ok, only half joking! ;) But honestly, we are so secure in OUR relationship that it just doesn't faze us. He knows I have celebrity crushes and I know who his are too. I do think this has evolved the longer we've been together, and the older we get. (We were 31 and 41 when we got married, 38 and 48 now.)  We had some issues with it that first year - mainly because I married him right after a string of a few 1-2 month relationships (I was “sewing my oats,” I guess.  Married at 21 that first time…) and he knew too much about those as he was my “friend” during a lot of that time.

Again, I know we lovingly point out "questionable" behavior to each other. That has definitely evolved through the relationship.  I am way more apt to call him out on something now than I was 7 years ago.  Or, if it is seriously making the other person uncomfortable, we confront them. I am a flirt by nature, and I know Britt hates that. It was an issue when I worked in [the OSU] football [office] for sure!  (I worked there when we met and through the first 2 years we were married.)  He called me out for it quite often.  I think as we have matured and our relationship has grown, we've gotten past it. Plus, I'm not turning any heads, so it's completely harmless at this point! ;)

I think the respect we have for one another and the protection we have in our marriage helps too. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. We decided long ago not to put ourselves in situations that could be misconstrued by each other or anyone else for that matter. We do not do lunch / meetings / trips with only one member of the opposite sex - there has to be 2 people with us; one same sex. It's just for accountability.  We always check with the other before we make plans with other couples (or individuals) to make sure it's something they are OK with. Not for permission, but out of respect. It's that important to us. And yes, people (women, mostly) make fun of me for getting "permission" from my husband to do things. But, I respect my marriage 1,000 times more that I care about their opinions! :)

That's a good internal filter to have, too. Before I do A LOT of things I ask myself not only what would Jesus think, but what would BRITT want me to do? It helps me remember how important he is to me and how special this marriage is to both of us!

…

These answers came fast and furiously, tapped out in record speed (with minimal typos) on my iPhone between wrangling my four kids on an outing for lunch and pool time.  So, I didn’t put a ton of thought into them.  Just spoke form the heart and poured out the things that God brought to my mind.  After I sent this novel to my friend, I decided I should share it with my husband as well.  So, I did.  Forwarded him all the messages with this note:

“Just so you know what I told her, and so you can see how important you and this marriage are to me. I LOVE YOU!!!”

When Britt got home from work, he told me he was so glad I shared all that with him.  Even suggested this blog (which I had already thought of)!  He is so good to me.  God really knew what He was doing when he made our crazy, winding all over the place paths meet.  So blessed.

After my husband and I took the kids to VBS, we were talking about this topic again, and this quote from one of our favorite movies came to mind:

“Fireproof[ing your marriage] doesn't mean the fire will never come. It means when the fire comes that you will be able to withstand it. ” 

I promptly texted it to my friend, and she replied with a resounding “I needed to hear that.”  I think we all do sometimes.  What a great reminder.  My marriage is Fireproof.  The fire comes.  And the fire is hot, and the fire can be destructive, but we withstand it, and we rebuild.  Is your marriage fireproof?

(If the above shows up as a blank black box, click on the box to see the video)

Thankful for Finn

Well, it has been a bit of an eventful few days since I last posted! Nothing too exciting, except that MY BABY DOESN’T HAVE A TUBE DOWN HIS THROAT ANYMORE!!!!!  I know the picture doesn’t show the whole story, because the “after” almost looks worse than the before, but it is SO MUCH better!  He can swallow and cough and CRY now.  All things he needs to be doing to continue getting bigger. The CPAP still supports his breathing, but it is not as invasive or as aggressive as the respirator.  The CPAP is set to a rate of 15 breaths per minute at about 50% oxygen right now.  I know that soon after he was transferred over to it, they turned the pressure up, but I don’t know if they turned it back down yet or not.  The next step is nasal cannula, which is the least invasive breathing apparatus, but we are not sure when to expect that.

I was at the hospital Monday and Tuesday.  There had been talk of removing the ventilator since the weekend, but they we’re getting the blood test results they wanted from Finn.  He was at a rate of 10, oxygen was as low as 40%, and the pressures were being turned up and down slightly every day, but he was staying the same.  On Tuesday morning, the doctor told me they would change him over Wednesday morning.  I had told my nurses and respiratory technicians (RT)  that if I was in the hospital, I wanted to see them do it.  I had also told them that I was leaving Tuesday afternoon as I needed to be home with my big kids on Wednesday since they were out of school.  So, shortly after noon on Tuesday, my favorite respiratory technician came in the room with a HUGE grin on her face, and she said, “We’re doing it now!”  I said, “NOW?!?!?!?” She replied, “Well, as soon as I get everything I need gathered up!” So, again, with the surprises!  The doctor was vacillating between leaving the tube in, and trying CPAP, and after talking to RT, decided the ventilator may have been what was holding him back, and to at least TRY the CPAP!  Here’s the video I made for Dad:

It is now Thursday morning, and he is tolerating it just fine!  He was SUPER mad at us for a solid hour after the switch, but once he got settled in and used to it, he has done just fine.  I had never seen him so active and agitated!  But of course, you would be too if the only way you knew how to breathe was through a tube in your throat and someone took it away and started shoving air in your nose to make you breath! LOL!  While I was kinda sad to see him so worked up, it was AWESOME to hear him cry!  He is working hard to come home for Christmas!  I  stayed a few extra hours just to make sure they weren’t going to have to go back on the respirator, then I came home to my big kids to start their long holiday weekend!

On Wednesday morning, I called in to check on Finn about 9am.  All was well with him – doing just fine with the CPAP.  The nurse was the same one we had on Tuesday, and we had also had her several days last week. During our conversation, she says to me “Oh! And he looks SO CUTE in his little outfit!”  WHAT?!?!?!  What outfit? He has clothes on? Whose clothes?  I didn’t bring clothes??? LOL! I knew they day was coming, as him roommate has been wearing clothes for a while now. She is bigger than him, and in an open crib on room air, and I didn’t know what the qualifications were for wearing clothes.  I found out it is 3 and a half pounds, but when Finn hit that marker, he still had a rigid tube down his throat.  So, for him, it was 3 and a half pounds, AND the tube was gone!  The nurse also said he peed all over the first outfit, so she had to get him another one!  There is a stash of preemie clothing in the NICU, and parents are welcome to bring their own.  We have set aside a few things to take with us when we go see him today.   They nurse said she wished she could send me a picture.  I’m kind of sad I missed his first day in clothes, but I will see him today – and take pictures!

On Thanksgiving, we reflect on what we are thankful for.  Simply put, I am thankful for Finn.  But that extends so far beyond just my baby and his life.  It’s the lives he has touched beyond the walls of the NICU or this home.  It is my family who have loved and supported us unconditionally through the toughest road I have ever followed. It is my church family, friends and prayer warriors who have begged God for His mercy and provision for this baby, for me, and for our family.  It is the people who have read or will read this blog and see the love of Jesus shining through and get to see how powerful a relationship with Him can be.  It is the patience, knowledge and courage that have been fostered in me personally over the last few months.  It is LOVE.  Thank you Finn, for bringing that to me, to our family, to the WORLD!