If I Were a Christmas Letter…

The time of year has arrived when I just LOVE to check the mail box every afternoon!  SOMETHING finally out numbers the bills and the unsolicited advertisements and random coupon fliers stuffing the mailbox on our front porch.  CARDS!  Real, signed, personal (and some not so personal) greeting cards!  How humbling to think that someone thought of me and my family – even for just a moment as they addressed the envelope – with love! We got our first card on Tuesday of this week, and have gotten a couple more each day.  My kids fight over who gets to check the mail, and if the envelope says “The Weavers” or “The Weaver Family” there is a mad scramble for who gets to open it!  Just another Christmas tradition that I absolutely LOVE!

*edited to add: This is my personal opinion and is not meant to bash anyone who loves or writes Christmas Letters. No throwing of flames needed.  :) *

But, inevitably, some of those cards come with the notorious “Christmas Letter.”  You know the one – the letter that touts the fabulously amazing accomplishments of the kids and tells of gloriously wonderful trips to exotic and magnificent locales – WITH PICTURES.  Tales of laureled accomplishments in the workplace and domestic bliss in the home.  I get it!  We all loved to tell our story and to brag of our endeavors – it is human nature.  And I love stories!  I just get the feeling with these types of letters that somehow, I’m not doing it right.  I don’t have a laundry list of marvelous events and spectacular triumphs to share with my Christmas Card List. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE my life and I love the time I spend with my family and the fun things we do - it's just not Christmas Card worthy, in my opinion.

My letter – if written in that vein - might tell about my kids meeting all attendance requirements at school because we finally had a “well” year!  It might tell about the trip to the City to go to Sam’s AND Target – ON THE SAME TRIP! LOL! It might mention dance, or baseball, or volleyball – but there’s no trophies or ribbons or medals. Nobody wants to read that.  And besides – isn’t that what Facebook is for? ;)

So, the Christmas letter is basically a chance to pick out and emphasize the BEST things that happened over the past year.  You see that?  The BEST things… Not the daily things.  Not the less than stellar things. Not the hurtful, sad, trying things.   During a message one time about social media, my Pastor Craig Groeschel said “We're comparing our behind the scenes with their highlight reels.”  YES!  That’s exactly it!  (He has actually said that in a few different references, but this one stood out to me.) That’s why Christmas letters make me sad.  That's why there are no Christmas letters from the Weavers.  Not like that, anyway. You get a fun card, with a picture of my family, and a message about the true Reason for this season. Merry Christmas!

But you know where we are all the same? And our “Christmas Letters” don’t matter? At the Foot of the Cross.  We all know the Christmas Story - the "Highlight Reel," but have you thought about the details? The "behind the scenes?" Instead of a highlight reel of the things the members of my family have done this past calendar year – which would surly bore you to sleep – I am going to write you THIS behind the scenes Christmas letter…

Dear Friends,

As the year 2014 comes to a close, I want to tell you about the only Christmas that really mattered.  The one that changed eternity.  The one that happened over 2000 years ago.  To a young girl, and her fiancé – who both had faith above all things to carry out an incredible mission. This is their Christmas letter...

Mary had grown up in the same village as Joseph who was several years older than she was. Perhaps they had admired one another from a distance ... perhaps Joseph had just been waiting for the darling Mary to grow up!

Mary was in the house one afternoon, maybe working on her wedding attire, or sewing towels for her new home when she sensed someone in the room with her. Conceivably, Mary looked around to see if anyone had joined her.

“And coming in, Gabriel said to her, Greetings, favored one! The Lord is with you.” ... 

Joseph and Mary’s love story had been horribly and inexplicably interrupted. Mary is pregnant and Joseph knows that he is not the father. Joseph surely must have wondered if Mary had been violated, although she was quietly insistent that the child in her womb had been placed there by the Holy Spirit.

Did Joseph wonder if Mary was delusional? How else is it possible to explain this catastrophic turn of events? What was once lovely is now tinged with ugly. What was once anticipated is now dreaded.

Joseph apparently did not believe Mary’s story because his plan was to put her away privately. This was the kindest and most loving choice for a young man found in the throes of betrayal. He could have allowed her to be stoned before the baby was born. Or, after giving birth, he could have allowed both her and the baby to be stoned. Sending her away never to be heard from again was the ultimate loving sacrifice on Joseph’s part.

It is impossible to even imagine Joseph’s disappointment with God and with the person whom he had loved most in the world. Mary had been his world and now he would never see her again. Did Joseph believe that the girl of his dreams had given her virginity to another man?

Joseph did not deserve this betrayal or this heartbreak. What he “deserved” was a wedding day filled with joy and the promise of young love.

Now, perhaps, Joseph’s reputation had been sullied on the streets of Nazareth and his boyhood friends were snickering behind his back.

Joseph had to face Mary’s parents and his own parents. Although he bore no guilt there was still the possibility that they would not believe him. There was no holiday frivolity for this disappointed, heartbroken young man.

Christmas, for Mary, was the challenge of understanding what the favor of God is truly all about. Mary was about to learn that being highly favored by God does not mean a life of unbroken happiness nor does it promise that all of your dreams will come true. There is a tremendous price to be paid by those who are highly favored by God; favor means, simply, that God is willing to use you.

Christmas, for Mary, was about discovering the intimacy of the Lord’s presence as never before. Mary was about to be confronted with the reality that favor happens when God places a piece of Himself into an earthly life. No longer was God a mere concept or a Divine Being who never engaged Himself in the affairs of everyday life. Because of Gabriel’s message, the presence of God Himself had invaded the life of this young girl who, prior to this moment, had nothing but Joseph on her mind.

Christmas, for Mary, was about understanding that God’s ways are so much higher than our ways. Mary was learning, like all of us must, that when Divinity invades humanity ... Divinity always wins! Christmas is a reminder that His ways are always higher and better than anything that we could ever think or imagine.

Christmas is about the Holy Spirit bringing peace and joy through a Baby Boy to the mess that we have made of planet earth. It is about the power of heaven’s reality invading one life. Christmas commences the moment a person realizes the longing that has always existed to be overshadowed by all that He is and all that He does!

Christmas has nothing to do with dancing elves, reindeer with red noses and snowmen who sing. Christmas is about an invasion! Christmas happens at the moment when heaven’s light invades the darkness of planet earth! Christmas is a time when we should all expect heaven’s entrance into our dusty, dirty worlds. Christmas is a time that reminds us all that miracles really do happen, prayers are actually answered and that heaven is just one response away. God absolutely hears your prayers. He is listening intently to your requests and loves it when a believer comes to Him boldly and unashamedly. Ask and keep on asking, seek and keep right on seeking, knock and keep on knocking! (Matthew 7:7) 

Claiming His Promises,
Betsey

(All excerpts from the YouVersion reading plan "Joy! to Your World! A Countdown to Christmas" written by Carol McLeod if Just Joy Ministries

This is one Christmas letter I am glad that was written. Can you feel the hope in this?  The Promise! He will bring us GOODNESS and LIGHT!  This is what I love about Christmas and this season of the year.  I love the pomp and circumstance, the decorations, cards, food and festivities!  I love the lights and trees and BLING!  But most importantly, and definitely above all, I love the Gift of Jesus, my Savior!  To God be the Glory. Amen. 

Perfect ... ly Comfortable

"I am perfectly comfortable being an 'average' mom.  My kids ride the bus; they eat school food.  They are encouraged to explore extra-curricular activities - one at a time.  Time (& money) I would spend making lunches, driving around, making chaotic schedules work, buying more 'stuff,' we spend making memories.  House wide Nerf gun fights.  Dinners for 6 around the dinner table opened with prayer.  Movie nights with popcorn.  We may not eat organic and be on trend with the latest fad, but we are happy. And I won't feel guilty about it."

If this sounds a bit familiar, you may read my Facebook updates from time to time.  Or, at least last night about 8:00pm to be exact.  Where did this come from, you might ask?  At least my husband did.  He was in the other room watching the pro-bowl.  I had just put the 2 year old to bed and sent the three bigs to their rooms for winding down hour.  I wasn't ready to start Downton Abbey yet, so I checked Facebook - as I often do...

Sometimes, Facebook is so incredibly useful!  I have found great bargains, learned of impending nuptials and heard about future little ones to join the world.  I can keep in contact with my cousins and friends spread from Oregon to Kansas to Virginia and Boston to New York City.  I have life long friends, brand new friends, Twin Mommy friends, and mommas of babies born in May 2002.  Sorority Sisters, Life Group members, My brother's college buddies, and friends of my parents.  INCREDIBLE.  I can learn about things I never dreamed of - and watch videos that I wish I could un-see.  But a lot of times, I have to admit,  I feel bullied by other moms.  Now, I know some of this is self-induced.  I should be able to pull up my big (and I mean BIG!) girl panties and blow it off.  But a lot of what I see just makes me want to scream.  And log off.  For a long time.  But, I can't.  Not for long anyway.  I have to have my personal account to manage my small business account.  And oh yeah!  My regular paying job is in social media. Yup - can't neglect that! I have to get better at filtering out the stuff that makes me bang my head against the wall.

So, I was a bit fed up with feeling like a bad mom last night for probably having BPA laden plastic-wear in my fridge with last week's left over chili in it.  Chili made with beef.  Beef that I have no idea about where it was grown or what the cattle were fed.  And I probably cleaned my kitchen counter top that it was prepared on with something someone somewhere has labeled as a poison to children everywhere!  But you know what?  That chili was GREAT!  The kids loved it, hubby loved it, I LOVED IT.  Got told it was the "Best Chili Ever" by an 11 year old tween girl.  HIGH PRAISE!  If you have raised the breed, you know...

So, yes.  My girls ride to school (almost) every day on a big, stinky, bumpy yellow school bus.  Both ways.  My oldest son walks 5 blocks.  Both ways.  Unless it's cold.  Or he is slow moving, then he gets a ride from Dad.  I leave for work long before they all go to school, and the 1st grader is just lucky the school is on Dad's way to work.  And they all 3 eat school lunches.  At a reduced price, too.  YUP!  We're that family!  I don't know a Bento box from a window box.  And Idon'tevencare.  They get a good, nutritious lunch.  And a lesson in life.  All paid for by my tax dollars.  Works for us.  And, I'm OK with their public education.  I have several homeschooling friends.  To them I say, "Good on ya!"  I don't have the patience or desire for it.  And my baby?  In my opinion he goes to the best darned Mother's Day Out pre-school in town 2 days a week and has the BEST Nana on the planet for the other 3.  But, I didn't look at all the reports or do extensive interviewing to find out.  I just went with my gut.  And biology.  :)

I am also perfectly OK with my perfectly comfortable kids.  While my girls both made honor roll last semester, I wouldn't be surprised if that doesn't happen this time around.  School is harder for some kids than others.  Testing makes some anxious while others take it all in stride.  I read an article someone had posted on Facebook last week about how college isn't meant for everyone.  Some kids will go to trade school.  Or be an apprentice somewhere.  Who will be the next generation's plumbers and hair stylists?  Maybe one or more of my kids.  And I would be so proud.  Or maybe they all go to college.  I want to encourage them, but not push them beyond their abilities - just to compete with the "Joneses."  Same with the extra activities.  While I'm pretty sure I don't have the next piano prodigy or sports superstar, I want them to do what they like and want to offer them the opportunities I can, while keeping them balanced .  Each child can do 1 "extra" thing at a time.  I have a dancer, a volleyball player, and a sports enthusiast that plays each sport in season as long as they don't overlap.  The baby's pass-time is going to doctor appointments.  *sigh* But, at this stage in life, they just need to be kids.  Have time to find out what they like.  Play with the neighbors.  After all, Eli and Peyton didn't play football until 8th or 9th grade...

So, Facebook.  I turn the other cheek.  I am not going to let the mom bullying get to me anymore.  I am a good mom.  My 4 kids have enough.  They get to see my husband and I live, love, fight and make-up.  We are all under the same roof every night, and we eat dinner as a family at least 6 nights a week - at a table with mismatched chairs.  We pray together, laugh together, love together, and hurt together.  WE ALL have been extremely blessed.  We're all in this together.  The kids know they have to look out for each other and help us around the house - without complaining.  And without an allowance or any other payment for that matter.  They have 8 very busy hands.  Dad and I have 4 full time working hands, that do the very best they can at home to keep everyone clean, healthy, fed, educated and entertained.  Our calendar is busy, and we like it that way.  But, we also like knowing down time is coming.  And we can just breathe.  And be a family.  Without trying to out-do anyone, prove anything, or achieve unrealistic goals.  God is our provider, and our judge.  We live our lives in a way that (we pray) is pleasing to Him, and that's all that should matter. And we are HAPPY!

If you got this far, you deserve a cookie.  Or a brownie.  Or WINE!  Yes, Wine...  And here is my disclaimer... I am not bashing anyone who does any of the things I don't.  Good for you!  Just know every family has to make decisions that are best for them.  And we each have the things we are passionate about.  In this season of my family's journey, the only thing I am passionate about besides shining Jesus' light is SURVIVAL.  Maybe next season I will have a second and I can research a Bento box...

One Year, One Word, One Verse

As the new year approached, the talk of new year’s resolutions came up – as it always does.  My older kids seemed especially enamored of the hope and excitement that these goals can bring.  I was asked numerous times on New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day what my resolutions were.  At first I just brushed them off with “I don’t know.”  Then I moved on to “I haven’t made any yet” and “I haven’t really thought about it.”  All the while I am thinking, “I can never stick to them so why bother.”

But on New Year’s Day I was reminded of something I did last year, somewhat passively and without a lot of follow through (Imagine that!).  I read this blog post from youversion and remembered choosing a word and a verse last year, but I couldn't remember what either of them were.  So you see, I hadn't put a whole lot into it. (It was “delight,” BTW…)

But this year was going to be different.  Forget resolutions.  And even the less stressful word “goal setting.”  I was going to pray, listen for God’s response, and choose one word, one verse to focus on for the year.  To get me started, I searched #verse2014 on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook.  I read what people had written, thought about their words, their verses, and prayed for mine.  But, it was New Year ’s Day.  I have four kids.  HGTV had the Tournament of Roses Parade on commercial free! How quickly my focus changed…

Until I was utterly inspired by a commercial I saw!  Not as powerful as the Dodge Ram Trucks  “Thank a Farmer” spot from last year’s Super Bowl, but a great way to start the year nevertheless!  I saw a commercial for the search engine from Microsoft, BING.  With the Sarah Bareilles song “Brave” in the background, here is what I saw:

I believe God can speak to us in many different ways. Sometimes, it is through music and TV commercials.  I left like I had been hit upon the side of my head.  I want to be brave!  I may be a lot of things – loud, opinionated, boisterous – but brave is not a word I would use to describe myself.  I tend towards the non-confrontational, especially with people I don’t know as the outcome may not work out the way I want it to.  I keep things inside just to keep peace.  I don’t go out on many limbs, figuring the safe and known are way better than the scary and unknown.  But this year, I want to be brave!

I prayed, watched the video 10 more times, and downloaded the song.  Set it as my ringtone, even!  Then, I searched for the word “brave” in the Bible.  It’s in there!  About 20 times – depending on the translation. I started reading through the verses, and a lot of them had to do with battle.  While I liked that sentiment, it was exactly what I was looking for to go with the mood of my word and the inspiration I had received.  But then I read this one:

“Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong.”

Yes!  That was it!  EXACTLY!  THAT is how I want 2014 to be!  THAT is my #verse2014.  1 Corinthians 16:13 NJKV.  The version matters here because it uses the word BRAVE.  That’s my word!  That’s my charge for 2014.

So, I do the thing I know I am comfortable with, and I got creative.  I made this Flipagram and immediately posted it to my social media accounts.  I made a cover photo for Facebook and a new profile picture.  I want to be reminded of it daily so I can be BRAVE!  I was to see it so I don’t forget that it’s what God wants for me!  Sarah B says she wants to see me be brave!  I want to see me be brave!

As I see other people share their word or their verse I think about how their word might work for me.  I see several that are about listening, or being still, or love.  I see ones that seem to be about correcting an action or an attitude.  I see ones that are simply inspirational.  And it makes me love mine even more.  I see mine as a call to action.  A charge.  A defining moment for my life.  Will you help me?  Will you push me to be brave?  Will you show me when I need to be brave?

Britt chose a word, too.  His word is trust.  And his verse is Proverbs 11:28.  He shared it with me in several translations: 

Trust in your money and down you go! But the godly flourish like leaves in spring. New Living Translation
He who trusts in his riches will wither but the righteous will flourish like a green leaf. Revised Standard Version
He that trusteth in his riches shall fall : but the righteous shall flourish as a branch. King James Version
Whoso is confident in his wealth he falleth, And as a leaf, the righteous flourish. Young’s Literal Translation
A life devoted to things is a dead life, a stump; a God-shaped life is a flourishing tree. The Message
Those who depend on their wealth will fall like the leaves of autumn, but the righteous will prosper like the leaves of summer. Good News Translation 

I loved what our pastor, Craig Groeschel, said about the word God has for you.  It might not be what you thought it was.  He said his was Rest.  He said he doesn’t want to rest!  He wanted it to be something like conquer, or some other strong word.  Really, ANY word but rest!  Britt said he wanted his to be warrior!  But God gave him trust.  I thought mine would be something softer, like pray, or believe.  God gave me BRAVE.

So, what about you?  Do you have a word for 2014?  What is it?  We would love to hear about it!  And we would love to pray for you and help you live out your word for 2014. Share it with us!

WalMarts of Stillwater

I posted a status update on Facebook a little while ago.  It has gotten several likes and a handful of comments.  One friend suggested us calling the managers to let them know how frustrating it is this time of year when they seem to "forget" the population of our sleepy little summer town is about to DOUBLE in a matter of days.  So, I am here to help!

My Post:

Dear Wal-Mart(s) of Stillwater - 
THIS IS YOUR WARNING! The kids (OSU students) start coming back in droves this weekend. Greeks are moving in to get ready for fall events. The next week is sorority recruitment. Then Welcome Week for Freshmen. They will need stuff. LOTS of stuff. The rest of us will still need groceries. PLEASE staff accordingly!!!!!!!!!! Have more than 4 check-out lanes open. THANK YOU! 
Signed,
A year round resident of this college driven town for the past (almost) 40 years.

Our Wal-Mart Locations:

Walmart Supercenter

4545 W 6th Ave

Stillwater, OK 74074

STORE PHONE: (405) 707-0744

Walmart Supercenter

111 N Perkins Rd

Stillwater, OK 74075

STORE PHONE: (405) 372-2897 

Let's do this!  Take a moment, call your favorite Wal-Mart store (or both!), and remind them this place is about to "blow up" as the kids would say...  It will help us all...

 

Finn's Fans 2013 shirts will be...

I know you are DYING to know what color theme the shirts are going to be.  And, I know you're DESPERATE to know who won the fun prize.  (Almost as much as our kids want to know WHERE we are going on our Road Trip, WHAT we are going to be doing and seeing, and most importantly HOW LONG are we going to be in the car - but the have some more waiting to do...)  But you are in luck, the winner is being revealed RIGHT NOW!

I would like to thank all of you for playing along!  It's fun for us to do this, and it's a fun way to keep you all involved in the process.  We truly believe in the Mission of the March of Dimes, and are so incredibly blessed to have been chosen as the Ambassador Family this year for Stillwater.  The votes are all in, they have been tallied and re-tallied, and even though my husband negotiated VETO POWER from the contest marshal (me), it didn't have to be used!

Number 4 and Number 6 would like to bow out graceful with their one vote each...

 Number 1 is out - didn't even come close...

 Three way tie with SEVEN votes each for 3, 5 and 8...

Number 7 was a real *crowd pleaser,* led the race most of the way, but was TAKEN OUT right at the end of the voting period!  Too bad Number 7...

AND THE WINNER IS...

YAY!  This was my fave!

Shirt Number 2!  Teal with bright yellow print!

15 people voted for that color combo, so I used random.org to generate a winning number from the 15 participants.  Our winner is: Tyanna B!  

CONGRATS!  

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner! (Click for larger version)

When the Dream Weavers get back from vacation, we will start the sign up process for purchasing T-shirts!  We are so excited to see everyone in these shirts come September!  We also have a few other fundraising plans up our sleeves!  Maybe another Fuzzy's night, a thirty-one party, and Bunco for Babies!  Keep watching the blog and Facebook to find out more!

We can't decide!

The Six Dream Weavers use the word "Adventure" a lot.  We don't like to sit around.  We go out looking for for things to do.  We take the back roads.  We stop and smell the flowers.  Britt and I often don't tell the kids what it is we are going to do, just that it is an adventure! (Including the Weaver Family Road Trip 2013 that is looming VERY near on the horizon!  The kids have no idea!)  Sometimes they love this, other times, they are exasperated..  Their individual personalities play a role in that as well.  All that to say, we love a good adventure!

We've been enjoying our summer full of adventures - nature camp for the 3 big kids, swim parties and trips to the pool, New Student Orientation on a constant loop for Britt, Vacation Bible School, a little surgery for me, and Nana the Wonder Sitter and I went to Dallas for 5 days for the International Grand Convention of our sorority, Alpha Delta Pi. (I went to the one in Arizona 2 years ago shortly after I found out I was pregnant with Finn...)  Finn has gotten sick a couple of times and ended up at the pulmonoligist, but nothing severe.  And, he had a hearing check up with Hearts for Hearing and is still within normal ranges but hearing more robustly from his left hear than his right.  He is now 21 months old - hard to believe he is 3 months shy of his 2nd birthday!

click to see larger

Which brings us to our next Adventure!  If we are creeping up on Finn's birthday, the Stillwater March of Dimes March for Babies MUST be on the horizon!  Mark your calendars and SAVE THE DATE!  September 28, 2013 at Willard Lawn on the OSU Campus.  Britt and I are working hard with the steering committee to make this a wonderful event, and we were blessed to be chosen as the 2013 Ambassador Family for this event.  Britt even chose our 2 mile route around the beautiful Oklahoma State campus - hitting all the highlights and MUST SEE spots!

And of course, no event is complete without a t-shirt.  That's where YOU come in! HELP US DECIDE!  After about a hundred drafts, we have finally settled on a design.  And we are going to use CustomInk.com to print the youth and adult shirts.  (Still looking for a vendor for the onesie for Finn...)  But, the color combinations are ENDLESS!  We need your input!  (Keep in mind that March of Dimes "official color" is purple.)

Here is a graphic of our 8 favorite color combinations.  Please choose your top 2, and leave a comment ON THIS BLOG and I will keep a running tally.  Voting ends on Friday, July 12, 2013 at 4:00pm CST.  I will post the winning color combo on the Early Adventures of Finn Facebook page and here on the blog.  I will then choose a randomly drawn person who choose the most popular color combo, and I have a fun little March for Babies gift for you!  SO EXCITING!

So, here we go!  Here is the picture, and a description!

Click to see larger version!  DETAILS!!!

 Option 1: Carolina blue with purple  Option 2: Teal with yellow
 Option 3: Sky blue with navy           Option 4: Natural tan with coral
 Option 5: Metro blue with lime        Option 6: Yellow with teal
 Option 7: Purple with orange           Option 8: Lime with royal blue

Let the VOTING BEGIN!

An Honest Look Inside Our Marriage

 I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine.  Song of Solomon 6:3

A dear, sweet girlfriend of mine, 10 years my junior, send me a one line email yesterday that basically changed my whole day.  I have known this woman for going on 10 years now, and she is a precious gift to me.  Keeps me on my toes – just like she did when we first met!  She was in college then, and I’ve watch her “grow up” and make all kinds of adult decisions – college boyfriend problems, first real job, buying that first house, meeting the man of her dreams, her fabulous wedding, and the birth of her first child, a son, last fall.   

This is what she asked:

How do you and Britt stay so happy and not let stress of everything affect your relationship?

And this is how I answered.  It’s not one line.  Or even close to it.  It is years of life experience.  It’s going through a divorce at 29.  It’s marrying the man God made for me after a 4 month courtship – even though when I first met him the 10 year age difference scared me to death.  It’s people with 2 full time jobs and 4 kids.  It’s not easy.  But it is a choice.  Every day.  And one my husband and I both choose.  EVERYDAY!

Ha ha ha ha ha!!!  Oh, it affects us. ALL THE TIME! I don't think we spoke for about 5 hours yesterday. This 10 hour work day thing is hard. (I am working 4 – 10 hour days this summer to have one full day off each week with my kids.)  I leave before everyone gets out of bed, and when I get home I'm exhausted. 

Communication is KEY! Part of the fall apart yesterday is we both had a plan in our heads for how last night's activities (dinner, VBS, last T-ball game and party) would go, but we were on completely different pages. Plus, he's feeling neglected because I've got sorority meetings all this weekend then I leave next week for a 5 day convention. All kid free. So, don't be fooled. It's HARD!

But, we are committed to each other and to making it work. We don't hold grudges or bring up old issues. We give each other space. We always acknowledge the other person's viewpoint, even if we think they're ridiculous. We laugh. A lot. At ourselves, at each other, at the kids. We have a pretty clear definition of responsibilities, too. And if I do one of his chores or he does one of mine, that's like a bonus!!!!  

We know neither of us is smarter, tougher, more important, or better than the other. We often say, “It's not a competition.” We are both bad about when one of us is complaining about something, the other tells how bad they've got it - how much worse it is. One Uppers!  We try really hard to nip that when it starts. It's not healthy or fair. Speaking of fair, we know life's not fair. We also know marriage is not 50/50. It's 100/100!  ALL THE TIME! As is parenting.

You have to remember that no one’s life is perfect. You can't compare your daily drudges to someone else's highlight reel. What you see out in public, or on Facebook, may not be a true representation of what's going in behind closed doors...

What else? Oh! We keep our private life private. We leave our parents/friends out of stuff that's really none of their business. We tell them bare minimums if it’s needed, and tell them to butt out. The decisions we make as a couple with God’s guidance, for OUR family are for us.  We don’t like feeling judged for what we deem appropriate for US and OUR family, so we just keep it to ourselves.  As compassionate humans, we tend to “side” with our own parents or friends.  That can leave the spouse feeling left or, or worse yet, defensive.  If you don’t include those outside people to begin with, it saves a lot of heartache and bickering when others (especially parents) get involved. 

And we never tear each other down. Especially in public. No matter how stupid I think he's being. ;) LOL! If he disciplines the kids and I think he's too hard or too soft, I save that for a later conversation. If he says something off the cuff that hurts my feelings, I (try REALLY REALLY HARD to not to) don’t lash out and give as good as I got.  I don't make fun of him in public, but we do at home or in the car - so we can laugh privately about how dumb something was!  And show our kids that we know we’re not perfect, and we do make mistakes.  But we recover from them, and move forward.

We are "allowed" to have a bad day. Or two. Without consequence or nagging from the other. But, we also point it out. Either admitting to the other person that were in a funk, or struggling, or whatever – especially when we want to be left alone, and the other person KEEPS ASKING “what’s wrong?” And, we point it out, gently and lovingly, to the other person if they have not acknowledged it. Like, "I can tell you're not in a great mood. I wish I could help. Tell me if you need me to do something. Otherwise, I'm here for you, and I'll be here when you get out of your funk."  Then let it go! We all process things differently!

SAY YOU’RE SORRY.  First.  Every time.  Even if you think he should say it first.  Don’t wait for him to do it just to prove a point.  It’s not worth it.  Truly be sorry.  Maybe not for your actions or opinions, but for the hurt you may have caused or the tone of voice you used.  Apologize, and then never bring it up again.  And don’t start the next sentence with “but!”

Your spouse is FOR you – not against you.  They love you the most.  Stood up in front of an audience and proclaimed it.  So, just because you disagree or have an argument, he is not saying he loves you any less.  Don’t be defensive.  Listen, and hear him out.  Disagreement does not equal dislike.  It just means you have differences.  Respect that.  Revel in it.  LEARN from it.

…

 

I told you it wasn’t short!  Then, this follow up question came:

What about when it comes to opposite sex….? Celebrities or real people... Flirting, staying attracted to each other stuff like that- how do you handle that or keep out of the gray area? or [what do you] do if someone does start to tread into the gray or black area?

That's a tough one. Maybe it gets better with age? I remember this being a MUCH BIGGER issue with J (My first husband - married at 21, broken by 28 divorced by 30; got 2 AMAZING redheads out of the deal, and a TON of life lessons) than with Britt. Britt and I both tend to have jealous tendencies. But, we joke that we're old and fat and no one would want us except each other anyway! Ok, only half joking! ;) But honestly, we are so secure in OUR relationship that it just doesn't faze us. He knows I have celebrity crushes and I know who his are too. I do think this has evolved the longer we've been together, and the older we get. (We were 31 and 41 when we got married, 38 and 48 now.)  We had some issues with it that first year - mainly because I married him right after a string of a few 1-2 month relationships (I was “sewing my oats,” I guess.  Married at 21 that first time…) and he knew too much about those as he was my “friend” during a lot of that time.

Again, I know we lovingly point out "questionable" behavior to each other. That has definitely evolved through the relationship.  I am way more apt to call him out on something now than I was 7 years ago.  Or, if it is seriously making the other person uncomfortable, we confront them. I am a flirt by nature, and I know Britt hates that. It was an issue when I worked in [the OSU] football [office] for sure!  (I worked there when we met and through the first 2 years we were married.)  He called me out for it quite often.  I think as we have matured and our relationship has grown, we've gotten past it. Plus, I'm not turning any heads, so it's completely harmless at this point! ;)

I think the respect we have for one another and the protection we have in our marriage helps too. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. We decided long ago not to put ourselves in situations that could be misconstrued by each other or anyone else for that matter. We do not do lunch / meetings / trips with only one member of the opposite sex - there has to be 2 people with us; one same sex. It's just for accountability.  We always check with the other before we make plans with other couples (or individuals) to make sure it's something they are OK with. Not for permission, but out of respect. It's that important to us. And yes, people (women, mostly) make fun of me for getting "permission" from my husband to do things. But, I respect my marriage 1,000 times more that I care about their opinions! :)

That's a good internal filter to have, too. Before I do A LOT of things I ask myself not only what would Jesus think, but what would BRITT want me to do? It helps me remember how important he is to me and how special this marriage is to both of us!

…

These answers came fast and furiously, tapped out in record speed (with minimal typos) on my iPhone between wrangling my four kids on an outing for lunch and pool time.  So, I didn’t put a ton of thought into them.  Just spoke form the heart and poured out the things that God brought to my mind.  After I sent this novel to my friend, I decided I should share it with my husband as well.  So, I did.  Forwarded him all the messages with this note:

“Just so you know what I told her, and so you can see how important you and this marriage are to me. I LOVE YOU!!!”

When Britt got home from work, he told me he was so glad I shared all that with him.  Even suggested this blog (which I had already thought of)!  He is so good to me.  God really knew what He was doing when he made our crazy, winding all over the place paths meet.  So blessed.

After my husband and I took the kids to VBS, we were talking about this topic again, and this quote from one of our favorite movies came to mind:

“Fireproof[ing your marriage] doesn't mean the fire will never come. It means when the fire comes that you will be able to withstand it. ” 

I promptly texted it to my friend, and she replied with a resounding “I needed to hear that.”  I think we all do sometimes.  What a great reminder.  My marriage is Fireproof.  The fire comes.  And the fire is hot, and the fire can be destructive, but we withstand it, and we rebuild.  Is your marriage fireproof?

(If the above shows up as a blank black box, click on the box to see the video)