Remembering

April 8, 2011.  2 years ago today.  That was the last time anyone heard from my brother.  The days that followed were hard, painful, confusing, uplifting, reaffirming, and joyful all at the same time.  I took my girls on a date that Friday night to see a movie.  Sunday morning, my world came crashing down around me.  Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him.  I started a million emails to him to tell him a funny story or share a bad driving adventure with him.  I’ve seen movies he would love, watched our governmental system take turns that would turn his stomach, broken computers he would have loved to fix, and had a baby boy he will only meet in heaven someday.  These past 2 years have definitely been the hardest, most educational, and closest walk with Jesus I have ever had.  Even in his death, my Big Brother taught me lessons I would be lost without.  

Brian, I see a lot of you in Jake.  Physically, although he looks like a Baldwin, he definitely takes after you!  He as your gait, and your build.  He is smart as a whip, and has his teachers on their toes constantly.  And he has some of your mannerisms and habits, too.  Even at 6, I can see your influence on him.  He has your love of electronics and video games.  He has a lazy streak akin to yours, too.  And I think he has you beat on the “How To Tease Your Sister(s)” prize!  But most of all, he makes me smile.  Just like you did.  And the mischievous sparkle in his eye from you.

I miss you.  We all do.  Sometimes it’s purely selfish on my part thinking about our parents growing older and the responsibility of that all falling on me with no input from the smartest guy I know.  Other times it’s for my kids who won’t know their cool Uncle who buys them the “cool” gifts for birthdays and Christmas. And for you – you don’t get to know the Miracle of Finn and how he has completely changed so many things about our entire family.  But mostly, I just miss you.  Knowing you are there.  Being able to ask you questions, get advice, or vent frustrations.  Movie reviews, music critiques, restaurant recommendations.  All the good stuff you enjoyed.  I miss you every day.  Thankful to know you are in the arms of Jesus.  I’m jealous.  Love you more than you’ll ever know!

May 2004 - A Luau

 (For more about those days, see our page dedicated to his memory here on the blog)

Memorial Day is for Memories

I, once again, find myself reflecting on this past year.  1 year ago YESTERDAY, I was totally flabbergasted and stunned when I had a nagging suspicion, snuck out to Walgreens, hid in a bathroom stall, and found out I was pregnant.  A secret I kept for a couple of days so I could shock a few years off my husband’s life as we left for our “Mystery Honeymoon”  a couple of days later.  Never in my wildest dreams could I have ever imagined the journey this year would take me on.  The prayers we have prayed, people we have met, the lessons we have learned, the lives that have been touched and changed forever.  It is simply MIND BOGGLING to look back on it, and I think at this point I can say this was a “once in a lifetime” season of my life.  There may not be another time in my life that will bring about so much change and growth in a 12 (or 14) month period of time.  I won’t say it can never happen; it’s just not very likely!

I also find myself remembering my tenacious brother.  Did he send us this angel baby to help soften the blow of missing him?  Did he know we all needed something to focus on to not get stuck in the darkness of missing his light?  Did he want us to stretch and grow and learn to be able to help others on a similar path?  I may never know all of the answers to these questions (and about 1,000 others I can’t wait to talk to Jesus about!), but I do know having Finn in my life makes me miss Brian a little less.  It’s like I have a tiny piece of him here with me to love and hold every day.  I still cringe at the thought that Finn will never know his Uncle Brian (and vice versa), but I take comfort in the fact that ONE DAY they will be reunited.

In the meantime, things are starting to slow down a tiny bit around here.  Life with ten year old twin girls has been pretty fun so far!  We have finished up volleyball season for Emma, dance recital for both girls is next week, school is out for summer (I now have 2 5^th graders and a Kindergartner!), and we are about 2/3 of the way through T-ball season for Jake.  We have had a tour of the new school the kids will be going to next year, Jake got to go to Texas with Nana and Grandpa for his cousin’s dance recital, Emma and Lara hosted a birthday sleepover for a few girlfriends, Finn got to be “show and tell” for 2 of the 4^th grade classrooms, Emma and Lara learned about the new room and programming they are promoting to at church, and we had the last day of school.   

We are much closer to being unpacked at our new house, and I have moved furniture at work, too and have a desk, credenza and hutch that fit my space MUCH better now.  I hope to decorate it this weekend!  Nothing like cramming it ALL IN in a 2 week time period!  But, now things slow down a bit.  We got to experience a little bit of summer fun on Wednesday when the big kids got out of school.  I did not have a babysitter that day, so I took the day off work to be with Finn, then after the kids got out of school (at 1:00 – they only had a half day) we went bowling, and for ice cream.  SUCH a fun way to start the summer off!  I am a little sad that the girls leave today for a few days with their other dad, but it is always refreshing to have the boys by themselves to see how that relationship is growing. And speaking of Finn – At 7 months, 2 weeks and 6 days old (4 months, 2 weeks and 5 days adjusted)  he has passed 14 pounds, can roll over front to back (when he feels like it), drinks 6 oz bottles, sleeps through the night, loves to “talk” and sing, likes to stand up and take steps, and his favorite song is still “Moves Like Jagger.”  His Child Development Specialist from SoonerStart is very impressed!  He has progressed in leaps and bounds since his surgery!  We are so proud of him and SO in love!

Forty One

Today, February 13, 2012, would have been my big brother’s 41^st birthday. Instead, we are looking back yet again on the all too short 40 years we had with him.  In retrospect, this week last year set off a series of events in my own life that I never would have dreamed possible or even plausible.  But here we are, almost on the other side, and I know it was all in God’s plan.  Blessings abound, but heartache took its toll as well.  It was this time last year that I took the last picture I have of Brian:

He and his daughter Kayleigh were here in Stillwater to celebrate his 40^th birthday and to meet our newest cousin Rocco from New York City.  I have no clue now what this picture was all about, but I remember laughing my butt off at the time.  Now, it just makes me reflective, melancholy, and sad.

I miss you every day, Big Brother.  Thanks for the memories…

A Big Thank You!

A big THANK YOU and a hug of gratitude go out to my friend and fellow OSU employee, Ron King, for helping me put my video from Brian's funeral on the web in it's original settings.  He saw where I had made a change to the song in order to accommodate youtube's user policies, and he said he would be happy to host the video on his website.  He not only put the video up, but he also put the obituary up as well.  It is truly a beautiful thing, and to tell the truth, Ron and I don't really even know each other that well.  He just has a huge heart, and a knowledge base that would help me, and time to share.  We could all use someone like Ron in our lives!  And he's pretty funny, too, so that's just a bonus at this point!

Visit Brian's page on Ron's Website and watch the video again.

I also added a new page at the top  of the blog simply called "Brian" where all the posts relating to this NIGHTMARE are gathering in one place and listed chronologically.  I wanted to make sure those posts were all easily accessible, so that's they way I made that happen.

THANK YOU!!

One phone call from our knees

Your life can change in an instant.  Mine did.  About 11:20am last Sunday.  Here’s how that looked…

Rewinding all the way to Friday.  At some point during the day on Friday, I was talking to my mom and she mentioned that my older brother, Brian, had called her and said he wasn’t feeling well.  He was supposed to have his 4 year old daughter, Kayleigh, with him this weekend, but since he was not feeling well and did not want to expose her, he asked his ex-wife to take care of her.  We assumed he went to the Doctor or a walk-in clinic or something of the like.  Saturday, My mom called a few times, left a voicemail, emails, etc.  By Saturday night, the panic was setting in (at the time, I didn’t know how stressed she was about this).  So, Sunday morning, as Britt and I loaded up our 3 kids to get to the church by 7:30 since it was our long weekend to serve, I got a text from my mom saying she and Daddy still had not heard from Brian, so they were driving to Dallas.

I spent the next few hours texting her with “suggestions” – call the police, call his ex-wife, call ANYONE…  But they were determined to get there and see what was going on for themselves.  The last text I got from my parents was about 9:45 and they said they were crossing the Red River – which meant they were about an hour from his house.  About 11:15 (while I was super busy with my LifeChurch Host Team Leader duties), I glanced at my phone and saw a missed call and a voice mail from my mom.  My heart sunk, I RAN across the church lobby to my husband, basically THREW my phone at him and told him to call my mom back (I had listened to the 2 word voice mail that said “CALL ME” through a broken, teary voice, and I knew it was not good).

While dialing the phone, Britt lead me to the church office, quickly followed by our Volunteer Coordinator who I can only assume saw the events unfolding in the lobby.  She dutifully and lovingly held my hand (as I clung to her with my very life, pretty sure I screamed her name once, but I can’t be sure) while Britt spoke with  my mom on the phone – from about 30 feet away and with his back to me.  After a brief conversation and some head nodding, he turned around, and shook his head with tears in his eyes.  I screamed .  It was like a tragic scene from Law & Order or CSI.  I don’t remember all of the next 30 minutes of my life, but I was ushered into a side office, and I just remember people in an out of the room, a box of tissues being handed to me, lots of pats and shoulder rubs and a HUGE bear hug from my husband.

Some dear friends took the 3 Little Weavers from me for the afternoon, and Britt and I headed south.  Longest. Drive. EVER!  I felt like we would never get there.  Had to stop for gas pretty early on, then a  restroom break not too far from our destination.  I spent most of the ride on the phone with friends and family, sharing our tragic, horrible, awful, NIGHTMARE.  Only I didn’t realize this was only the first step.