My Mother's Day Miracle

This past Sunday was my first Mother's Day as a mother of four.  It was my first Mother's Day with 3 kids in public school - and all the fun crafts that brings with it.  And it was my first Mother's Day where I was truly humbled by the gifts God has given me in these incredible children, and how this day could have turned out so very differently.  After the loss my family has worked through this past year, I have a whole new respect for people who miss their mothers on Mother's Day, and for mothers who miss their babies - whether they never got to hold them, only held them for a short time, or held them for a lifetime that was just too short.  It was an emotional day, and I am so grateful to have shared it with my nuclear family, my extended family, and my church family.

I got my first cards on Friday, and one in the mail on Saturday, but on Sunday, I got the mother (get it?) lode!  When you have 4 kids and a loving husband, that's a lot of Hallmark greetings!  And I loved every single one of them!  My precious girls even put a one dollar bill in each of the ones they gave me - seeing as how they like to get dollars in their cards, I guess they thought I would, too! (I gave them back - they were grateful!)  Jake had lots of fun gifts from school, and the girls wrote me a song and made me a video.  Finn drooled.  And spit up on me.  But, he also got to experience a very memorable moment at church Sunday morning as it was Child Dedication day at LifeChurch.tv Stillwater.  We were one of over 30 families dedicating a child this weekend - one of 12 at the 10:00 service alone!  The picture at the opening of this post is from a week ago and 7 month old Finn is looking towards a photo of him at just a few hours old.  The picture was my husband's idea, and we love the way it turned out.  It was used for the slideshow presented at church of all the babies being dedicated, and it looked great -- it really captures our journey.  We were lucky enough to share this amazing experience with some sweet friends, too.  Each family is prayed over by a staff member, and we hit the jackpot! As you (may or may not) know, Britt and I volunteer in various capacities 3-4 weekends a month with the Host Team at our church.  We were blessed to be prayed over by the Host Team coordinator from our staff.  She is AMAZING!  We have grown very close to her and her family over the past couple of years, and it really showed during this special prayer.  She had warned us as we all walked up on stage that she might cry during it.  I don't think she made it through the "Dear God," before she was bawling - and Britt and I were close on her heels with the tears flowing.  After the group prayer, Finn was loved on by our entire congregation as our Campus Pastor took Finn up on the platform for some "stage time."  He talked about how Finn has come from a 1 pound 14 ounce miracle to the 13 pound blessing he is today.  He said there was probably not a happier mother in the room that day than Finn's.  He was so right.  Happy.  Honored.  Humbled.

After church we had a fabulous lunch out with my Mom and Dad, and I got to surprise her with a memorable Mother's Day present, as well.  Using Blog2Print, I made a hardbound book of all the posts related to my brother's death, funeral, and the recovery we went through.  I was very happy with the final product, and happy to be able to present that to her this weekend. I have another Pinterest project in the  works for her, but I am waiting on something to arrive in my mailbox before I can complete it.  I hope to be able to share that soon!

For Mother's Day after Jake was born, I got a James Avery chain with a gorgeous butterfly charm attached.  The butterfly is composed of 2 hearts, and the body is the intersection of the two.  Britt told me at the time the hearts represented each of us, and the union was Jake.  I have treasured that necklace for the past 5 years, and worn it almost everyday!  This year, I think he topped even that.  If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook you know that I won a raffle a week or so ago for the jewelry shop at Peek-a-boo ICU.  My amazing husband asked if he could use the gift code I received to make me a journey bracelet commemorating our time with Finn in the NICU at Mercy.  I was a bit reluctant at first - really just loving to shop and wanting to pick our my own beads - but based on my experiences with him, I knew he would do an EXCELLENT job, and I knew it would mean a lot to him to be able to do this for me.  So, I gave him the code and he set to shopping.  He had to pick out the beads that each have a special meaning about the obstacles, hurdles, triumphs, and setbacks we endured as a family.  He was pleasantly surprised when the package arrived before this weekend, and he was so excited about it, he gave it to me on Friday night!  It is PERFECT!

Each bead has a special meaning, and Britt chose perfect ones!  There are many more in each category - some that apply to us and some that don't - but he picked ones he knew we would both appreciate, and ones that applied specifically to Finn.  We made a similar "Journey Bracelet" with the March of Dimes while we were in the NICU, but it was much more elementary - on a black string using plastic beads.  While I cherish that token, this is a true work of art!

Starting with the purple dangling heart and moving counter-clockwise:

• The Preemie Purple Pendant is in  honor of the million babies born too soon this year and the 12 million more struggling to survive

• Imprints on the Heart- Preemie Footprint: Preemie Power Peekaboo Orange  “There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is.” ~Albert Einstein 

•  Micro-Preemie Miracle Bead: Turquoise with sparkling copper swirl 925 murano bead represents the micro-preemie. The term micro-preemie usually refers to a premature baby who is less than 800 grams or 26 weeks at birth. This bead is square in shape with each side symbolizing an aspect of awareness and inspiration; angelic, diabolic, human, and divine.
  Our awareness can be that point bouncing between these aspects housed within each side of our experiences- dark moments coupled with those of light, the ups and downs in the micro-preemie journey, and the physical and spiritual aspects of this journey.
  These kinds of attributes cause the square symbol to be an anchor; Keeping us focused and grounded. The square shape represents balance, stability, dependability and direction.
  Turquoise is one of the oldest protection amulets. It represents strength, protection from harm, psychic sensitivity and connection to the spirit world. Turquoise is known for its healing properties. When paired with copper the power of turquoise increases and there is an enhanced energy field.
  Copper is considered a solar emblem with radiant features of the sun. The symbolic meaning of copper deals with bright ideas, fresh perspectives, and incorporating these new thoughts with our existing framework.  By combining the old with the new we find our lives expanded and new directions to our path.

• The Elephant: Strength - The elephant is a symbol of strength, honor, stability, and patience. The protective, nurturing, and general nature of the elephant represents energy and power.  The elephant has long been regarded as a symbol of divine wisdom. The ability of elephants to aid in battle led to their additional symbolic meaning of triumph and victory.

• Blood Transfusion -  (Red with white circles) Premature infants often are anemic, which means they don't have enough red blood cells. Normally, the baby stores iron during the later months of pregnancy and uses it late in pregnancy and after birth to make red blood cells. Infants born too soon may not have had enough time to store iron. Preemies may also become anemic from blood loss before or during delivery, a mismatch of the baby’s and mother’s blood types, the need to take frequent blood samples to preform necessary laboratory tests, or an inability to make enough red blood cells to keep up with the preemie baby’s rapid growth rate. This bead represents the struggles with anemia, the constant and sometimes continues blood draws and the need for blood transfusions.

• Infinite Courage - “Sometimes the biggest act of courage is a small one.”

• Holiday Bead - (Red with white swirls) Spending the holidays in the NICU can be very difficult both emotionally and physically. This bead represents the time spent with your preemie as you celebrate Christmas together for the very first time.

• Heart-Mother's Love - ~Nobody will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you are the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside~

• BPD and Oxygen bead - (Royal blue with white swirls) Bronchopulmonary dysplasia (BPD) is a chronic lung condition caused by airway inflammation. It affects infants who were on a ventilator for long periods of time, and can cause difficulty breathing and low blood oxygen levels. BPD affects as many as 62% of babies born before 26 weeks, but only 3% of those born between 30 and 32 weeks. Infants with BPD may need extra oxygen until the condition subsides. This bead is to help raise awareness of chronic lung disease in preemies and the struggle to overcome and persevere

• The Kangaroo: Bonding - The kangaroo is a symbol of intuitive action and human connections. The kangaroo represents the importance of parent-child bonding in the earliest stages of life.

• Preemie Power Charm: (orange) Orange is our Preemie Power color! Orange represents strength, and determination. Orange is a powerful color. It is one of the healing colors. Orange means vitality and endurance. Curiosity is a driving characteristic of orange and with it comes exploration of new things. Orange can bring about the willingness to embrace new ideas and knowledge while exploring paths not taken.  Orange is used to promote personal power and is used to boost self-esteem in those who feel overwhelmed in unfamiliar and new situations. Wearing orange during times of stress or shock can help to balance emotions and bring a sense of personal peace and a sense of empowerment. The emotions orange spark seem to really relate to the journey a preemie parent must take when forced to start parenthood in the NICU.  

• Home Sweet Home - "Only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be." ~ Karen Ravn

• Hugs and Kisses - (this is separated by the clasp on mine)  These two charms come as a pair! The silver hugs charm is highlighted with a preemie purple stone and accented with gold tones. The silver kisses charm also has highlights of gold and represents the everlasting love of a preemie.  ~A preemie is a tiny soul that speaks with its eyes, kisses with a gaze, and hugs your heart tighter than you ever thought possible~

• Baby Boy

• 26 Weeker - (Tiffany Blue) ~Twenty Six Weeks~ Approximately 80% of babies born in the 26^th week of pregnancy will survive. Babies born at this gestation typically weigh less than 800 grams and are termed micro-preemies. At 26 weeks, the eyelids are now open, the eyebrows and eyelashes are fully formed, along with fingernails and toenails. The footprints and fingerprints have begun to develop but their tiny feet will often be smooth to touch with very little creases.  Although the 26 weeker can hear your voice, loud noises are often too much for their underdeveloped neurological system and they will startle at loud noises. The lungs have started to develop alveoli, the air sacs that allow gas exchange (breathing!)  and their lung walls have begun to secret surfactant; a surface-activated fat on their lungs necessary for breathing – however, the lungs of the baby born at 26 weeks remain underdeveloped making them susceptible to injury and may be dependent on respiratory support in order to survive. A long and sometimes complicated NICU stay awaits the preemie born at 26 weeks gestation.

•  The Lion: Courage - It takes a lot of courage to be a NICU baby and being brave is what they do best! Having royal power, regal strength and noble courage. 

• Jaundice Bead - (yellow) Up to 90% of newborns will develop some degree of jaundice within the first week of life, and almost all premature babies will begin to show signs during the first few days. Bilirubin is the by-product of the body’s recycling of red blood cells. As the excess red blood in the infant’s circulation begin to breakdown in the first few days after birth, they release what is called bilirubin, which causes the yellowish coloring of the skin and eyes. Bilirubin is normally processed by the liver and excreted in the stool. The most common treatment for jaundice is light therapy, also known as phototherapy, and often referred to as “bili lights.”  During phototherapy the baby is exposed to special lights that often look blue/green/white. Bilirubin is very sensitive to the light and it will begin to breakdown and be excreted in the baby’s stool.  This bead represents the time spent under the lights in the fight against the potential dangerous effects of jaundice.

• The Turtle: Slow and Steady - The turtle is a symbol of patience, and protective energy.  The turtle takes its wisdom one day at a time- not reacting, simply accepting and moving on in its natural method.  Turtles are believed to be guardian angels that watch over, guide, and protect growing children.  Patience and perseverance are needed when traveling the NICU journey and the turtle can teach us that slow and steady wins the race.

• Respiratory Support - (navy w/white spots) Respiratory distress affects as many as 43% of premature babies born between 30 and 32 weeks, and almost all babies born before that time. Full-term babies make surfactant, a soapy like substance that helps keep the lungs inflated. Without enough surfactant, premature babies’ lungs don’t inflate well. Preemies may need artificial surfactant, or may need help breathing while their lungs mature. The bead design represents the air exchange within the lungs with the light blue circles representing aveoli that are expanded as the air moves in. This bead represents respiratory support needs while in the NICU.

• The Owl: Wisdom - The owl represents transition, protection, intuition, and wisdom. Owls are incredibly perceptive and have the ability to navigate even through the darkest of night. The owl is a symbol of inner knowing and draws wisdom from their inner soul- both spiritual and intellectual.

I will cherish this bracelet just as I cherish the journey.  Britt also presented me with an orange necklace cord and the starter bead for it (which is the imprinted feed bead, but this one is not painted orange), and two more beads to get it started - The Bee (Enduring Charm) and The Snake (Patience Charm).  I hope to build on those in the months and years to come.  Thank you, Britt, for this amazing gift - and for ALL that it stands for.  I love you so much -- you never cease to amaze me.

TEN: A decade in the making

The blog, like all my children, has been a bit neglected as of late.  This new job/move/baby surgery/end-of-school/sports/recital/CrAzY thing has gotten to me.  I haven't really missed any deadlines or skipped events completely, but I have been just under the wire more times than I care to count!  Including today when I totally flaked out on taking treats to school for the girls' classes to celebrate their birthdays with them.  Emma and Lara had each mentioned it last week, but I spaced out and forgot.  Mother's Day and Baby Dedication was yesterday.  I guess I was concentrating on that and not looking past the weekend.  But, thanks to their AMAZING Dad and cooperative teachers, they each got to have personal favorites for snacks this afternoon in their classrooms.  WHEW!

So, I am the mother of 10 year old twin daughters.  (And a five year old and 7 month old son, too.)  WOW.  I never thought this day would get here, and yet here it is.  Not much different from any other Monday in the past few.  Looking forward to school getting out in a week, trying to make sure we don't miss any rehearsals, practices, games or performances this week.  Trying to figure out exactly what it is I should be doing at work.  And with a blink of an eye, my first babies turned 10 years old.

4 months:

 10 months:

 

4 years:

10 years:

They are growing up into wonderful young ladies.  They each have their quirks, and their bad habits, but they are both loving, caring, creative girls who love the Lord and work hard everyday to meet the goals they have set for themselves.  They have changed a lot in the last year, having to learn some hard lessons and grow up so quickly.  I am loving having them in separate spaces for the first time in their existence as it seems to have changed them just a little.  They are started to appreciate each other more than they ever have.  The time they do spend together is slightly less electrically charged.  They even miss each other for short periods of time!

Here's to another birthday.  Double Digits!  They are already counting down the days until they are teenagers - just three short years away.  *sigh*  We had a little birthday time this morning before school where they got presents from us, and we went out to dinner to celebrate tonight.  They are having a small sleepover this weekend with friends.  A pretty quiet affair, but then again, that suits me just fine!

MAYDAY!

You can take the title of this post however you want to!  As a distress signal, a nod to the fact that yesterday was that spring holiday, or just as a fun reminder of the month we are in.  Either of these definitions would be appropriate at this point!  I am glad we have made it to the month of May, but this past week has caused some distress (and relief) along the way!  And while I didn’t see any May Day Parades, Maypole dancing, or have any May Baskets made for me, I still mark the beginning of this month as another milestone on this journey we are on.  Since it has been almost 2 weeks since the last blog post, there is some catching up to do!  Lots of things have changed since the last post!

2 weekends ago, we had our garage sale.  We did really well, and we got rid of all kinds of STUFF that we didn’t want to move!  Including Britt’s beloved VW Cabrio, the one we affectionately named Otto.  While we were sad to see the car go, it was not practical for us as a family anymore since it did not have enough seat belts to hold all the kiddos.  Bittersweet, as we had really come to love our little “around town” convertible, and we had bought it from my brother a few years back, so it was like losing a piece of him again.  But, the money has been put aside, and the search is on for a vehicle to replace our blue car.  In the meantime, we are trying to hang in there with just one vehicle, and borrowing my Dad’s truck when the need arises!

The next week was consumed by trying to pack, keep all the big kids activities going, getting Finn through his surgery, and moving to our new house.  WHEW!  I’m still not sure how we got through it all!  Thursday was the big day for Mr. Finn.  Originally, we had been told to be at the hospital in Tulsa at 5:15am.  That meant a 3:00 am wake up call for the Weaver household!  We had already arranged for Emma, Lara and Jake to stay at my parents, but we were super thrilled when the hospital called the day before and told us Finn’s surgery had been moved to 9:30, so we didn’t need to be there until 7:30.  MUCH more manageable for us older parents!  ;)  We got to the Children’s Hospital at St. Francis right on time, and the next 2 hours seemed to CRAWL by.   There were lots of little steps that had to be completed, and each one was leading up to us saying good bye to our precious baby.  Finn was a real trooper through all of it.  For being without food or water for over 12 hours, I was surprised at how well behaved he was!  We got a surprise visit from one of our Mercy NICU nurses who now worked at St. Francis!  Here’s a video clip of that encounter:

When the 2 nurses finally came in to get him and take him to his surgery to repair his left inguinal hernia, one said to the other, “I think I’ll just carry him.  These little ones just roll around in these big cribs so it is easier.”  That actually calmed me down a little bit – to know he was being cradled and loved as they took him off into the big unknown.  It was actually easier to watch him go than I thought it would be.  I knew God was in control, and this would be great.  It was almost an hour before the surgeon came to get us from the waiting room.  He told us everything went well and Finn was fine as we walked back to a small consultation room.  Once we were in there, he told us Finn was in recovery and doing well, and that this was one of the largest inguinal hernias he had ever seen, and then explained how he repaired it.  He also told us how they used a camera to look to the right side to make sure there wasn’t a hernia there as well, and all was clear.  When he was done with us, we went back out to the waiting room to WAIT some more.  Finn had to meet some markers before we could be with him, so we took that opportunity to call friends and family (and update Facebook).  It was almost 30 more minutes before we got to see our sweet boy.  He was in a hospital crib, in a small curtained off recovery area by the operating rooms.  He had a nurse with him, and he was sleeping.  He was still in the little yellow gown, and looked kind of pale.  He was very still, too.  It was so strange to see him hooked up to all the monitors again!  And to watch his numbers on the screen and hear the alarms – it was like we were back in the NICU!  She said he had been sleeping for a bit, but after we watched him for another 10 minutes or so, she said that we could wake him and offer him some sugar water.   When it came time to pick him up and feed him that bottle, I had to manage all the cords, too.  So surreal!  He O2 levels were a little low while in recovery, so they had some supplemental oxygen blowing up his nose while we were there, but he wasn’t even on a nasal cannula.  It felt so good to have him back in my arms – even with the strange smells, the endless cords, the beeping, and all the other hospital distractions.  I had a hard time getting him and I comfortable in the rocking chair we were sitting in, so Britt ended up feeding him the bottle.  After another 15-20 minutes, we finally had Finn’s O2 saturation up enough to be transferred to the floor he would stay on.

Once we were settled in the room, there was really nothing to do except wait it out.  Those first several hours Finn just slept and slept and slept.  They wanted him to drink 3 of the 2oz glucose water bottles and keep those down before we tried formula.  Later in afternoon, he had his first dose of pain medicine. We finally got to give him his first food in almost 24 hours that evening.  He kept that down, and we felt like recovery was going really well.  As the night closed in, we made our “beds” on the couch and recliner in the room (not a good place to sleep AT ALL), and hoped the overnight would go well.  Finn woke up for his typical middle of the night feeding, and he seemed to be running a fever.  Britt started feeding him while I called the nurse to have someone come take his temperature.  Sure enough, he had a little bit higher temperature than they wanted.  She went to get more meds, and Britt was still feeding him.  The nurse tried to administer the syringe of sticky acetaminophen into the baby’s cheek while he was drinking the formula.  The result?  PUKE all over Dad!  Funny, but not really.  I felt bad for my baby who felt bad enough to throw up, and I felt bad for Dad.  Covered in wet sticky (stinky) baby formula puke.  GROSS.

After we got that cleaned up and everyone settled back in, the rest of the night went smoothly.  We were seen on rounds about 8:00am, and we had hoped we would be released by mid-morning – we had to get back to Stillwater to meet the cable company at our new house.  But, since he had the fever overnight, they wanted to keep him a few more hours.  DARN!  We had basically packed everything up and were ready to bolt!  We passed the morning – so slowly – by taking about the upcoming move.  Britt even left the hospital to go to Best Buy – we still had not spent the gift card we won a few weeks back!  We were finally released to go home a little after noon.  The cable guy was due at our house about 1:30.  We still needed to take the TV over, too, so we knew we would not make it.  Lucky for us, we have Nana!  She went to our old house, got a TV and the DVR box, and went to our new house to meet the cable guy!  WHO, OF COURSE, WAS LATE!

So, the next 4 days were a whirlwind of packing, moving, crying, breakdowns, baby recovering from surgery, big kids frustrated with the process, friends helping, trucks being rented and returned, $100 trips to Lowe’s and Wal-Mart moving moving moving and cleaning!  WHEW!  Oh – and Volleyball, T-ball and dance thrown in there, too!  On Friday night, Britt and I spent the night on the floor of the living room after dragging the mattresses from each of Emma and Lara’s rooms while Finn was in his cradle beside us (big kids were on night 3 at Camp Nana and Grandpa!).  Saturday night, we all stayed at the new house in our own beds.  By Sunday night, 90% of our stuff had been moved, but only about 20% unpacked.  Britt took Monday off to try to finish.  I spent several hours at the old house Monday night cleaning, and we FINALLY finished cleaning Tuesday night.  Now, the new house is still a hot mess!  LOTS of unpacking and organizing to do, but it is so NICE!  We are all enjoying the extra room, the girls are loving being in their own spaces, Britt and I love our huge room, and Jake loves being in the same room with Finn while he sleeps (we don’t have a baby monitor yet, and we are pretty far from Finn when he is sleeping, so when we go to bed, we get Finn and put him in his cradle next to our bed. I don’t think Jake minds!)  If we work hard this weekend, I think we will be more settled before the new week starts.  We need it.  Living in chaos is hard!

Life in the “75” is good.  I have been a resident of this town off and on for my entire 37 years of live, and I haven’t lived outside the 74074 zip code since Kindergarten; not north of 6^th street.  (Not even east of Western until 3 years ago!)  We now have a new zip code.  It ends in a 5.  So strange for me!  But, the neighborhood is very nice, close to the lake and its awesome walking trail, and come to find out, we know several people in the area.  I think it is going to be good.  Once we get settled.  I still can’t find anything in my kitchen… Hence the picture:

T-ball games and practices 2-3 time a week.  A Volleyball tournament this weekend.  Dance recital is just around the corner.  Finn goes in for his post op in 2 more weeks.  15 more school day mornings.  Then, it’s summer!  Hopefully, things will calm down a bit then!